It’s December 28, 2015. It’s 2:06 in the fucking morning and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep for a myriad of reasons, but probably the most poignant is that this is the last post I will make on this blog the way that it is today. As of January 1, 2016, all of this, all 250+ posts will be left behind on a nameless subdomain that no one will ever find unless they look for it; unless they know it’s there.
The “why” of this is intrinsically and undeniably mine…and mine alone, but there is a why. I guess it’s my way of saying goodbye to something and someone who was five years under construction. It’s my way of taking the butterfly from a cocoon.
In a way, it’s sad. In another way, it’s affirming. It’s the affirmation of evolution that all souls, all people have to go through if they are going to get from a proverbial point A to a proverbial point B. It’s the letting go of one part of a story, a closing of one chapter to allow space to build something else; something (hopefully) better. A new dawn to pen a new destiny.
It’s a farewell to past. A hello to the future. A recognition that I came to realize a lot of things in five years; a homage to knowing when to let some things go. A homage to a past I wasn’t always proud of; an acknowledgement of growth.
When I started Miss Adventures five years ago, I had no plan, no clue, no idea where I wanted to take her. I had no master plot, nor scheme of what I wanted this particular blog of mine to become. It was, for better or worse, nothing more than an online diary that allowed me to pen my perceptions. Some of those were spot on; others were not. Which is what category is only mine to decide, but still….it was mine. It was something I built, something I cherished…something that is hard to say goodbye to, even if my goodbye is merely an au revior.
No matter how you slice it, letting five years of things go, in an effort to rebuild, restructure and revamp isn’t easy.
Then again, I never have been a fan of things that are easy.
I have done good. I have done bad. I have done well. I have done evil. I have done things I am proud of. I have done things I am not proud of. I have had friends. I have had enemies. I have had fans. I have had sycophants. I have had haters. I have had it all. And I wouldn’t change a god damn thing.
I have been things and done things that I am proud of that I will never admit to, nor brag about.
I have been things and done things I am not proud of that I will never publically acknowledge.
I have made many successes. I have made just as many (if not more) failures.
I have never been, nor will I ever be, perfect. I wish I was. Hell, I would love to be, but I’m just not.
I haven’t had an easy life, but who has? I have struggled with abusing alcohol and pills and people. I have hit some very dark points in my life. I have done many, many things I wish I could take back, there are a million things I have done that I can never fix. All I can do is one thing, and one thing alone: try to do better.
So? My relaunch of Miss Adventures as of January 1, 2016 is an effort to do just that: better.
I know better now, so I need to DO better.
My name is Shauna, and I was an alcoholic. I abused alcohol to hide and subdue my pain for many, many years. I did things, under the influence of alcohol that I am not (to this day proud of), I heard stories of things I did under the influence that I am not at all proud of (because it’s not who I am) that I do not, to this day, remember. I read things I wrote that I didn’t mean, because they were amplified by alcohol abuse. I said and did hurtful and mean things that I can never take back. I blogged when I was under the influence. I used social media as a weapon, instead of a tool. And I want to fix it.
I am incredibly fortunate that I was never arrested for a DUI. I should have been a million times. There were countless times I got behind the wheel that I had no business driving. I am thankful in each one I didn’t hurt myself or someone else – because I could have.
Of all these things I am not proud.
For all these things, I am sorry.
More ashamed and sorry than you will ever, ever know.
And for all of these reasons, and several others, I want to clean slate my blog, what I created, on purpose. I will leave all old Miss Adventures posts up, I won’t delete a single one, because they are part of this journey, it’s part of who I am as a person, a writer and a professional. But I won’t allow a new beginning without acknowledging my own faults, my own ending and my own new beginning.
Because what type of person would I be if I didn’t acknowledge it all?
So, I am.
This is honestly the most difficult thing I have ever had to write. Yet, necessary.
There is just as much good in the old Miss Adventures as there was bad. I haven’t decided which outweighs the other yet, but both exist. So I leave it, but I start something new. Because everyone deserves a second chance. For the first time in my life, I’m giving myself that same luxury.
Goodbye old. Hello new.