I will
preface this post by saying that the reason I haven’t been blogging much lately
is because I have been on a deeply spiritual, very personal journey. And so
far, it’s been a journey I’m not entirely ready to share all of the details
about just yet. However, as opposed to my normal sarcastic, sardonic style (don’t’
worry, we will get back to that), I am undertaking a 40-day challenge that I
hope will help me become a better person and maybe even help me make some huge
(overdue) changes in my life. As I document it, I hope that it will help others
out there become inspired to do the same -- Which is, in essence, why I am
doing it. This might shock you, but I do have a heart, and the truth is, it’s a big one.
A Little Backstory
Over the
last few weeks, I have been attending church. This is a huge step for me (since
I have been an Atheist for a long, long time), and is something I haven’t done
in over 15 years. What prompted my sudden supernatural wakeup call? A series of
unfortunate events three weeks ago led me to say the first prayer I have said
in as many years. And the result shocked even me.
Strangely
enough (or I guess you could say through an act of kismet or serendipity), when
I said my prayer, it was answered within five minutes of my uttering it. I was
in a bad place that night. It was 3 o’clock in the morning and I was on a dark
highway. I was begging, pleading and in tears, asking, no, begging for help. You see,
someone in my life was lost and hurt; and I was desperate to find them. Once I
said the prayer, the call came a few minutes later; they had been found. I
rushed to the destination. And even though the initial result left me with a
bad taste in my mouth (based on how my prodigal lostling treated me) I began
thinking about how everything played out. I could only conclude that the
Universe (or God) works in mysterious ways, and that maybe it was time for me
to open myself up to something new.
So, I did. I reached out to a friend of
mine and asked if I could go to church with her.
Back a Little More
Yet it
wasn’t just this solitary event that prompted my change. For the past four
years, I have been living my own personal version of hell. I have been unhappy.
I have been angry. My anger was directed at the world, at everyone, at myself, at
life in general, for plethora of reasons that don’t matter to anyone but me;
just know that I have been consumed with a deep kind of rage that made me
both bitter and cynical. It turned me into a dark, clouded version of who I am at my
core. I was tired of it. I was tired of being angry all the time, and I was finally
ready to admit that to myself.
The initial
impact of church, for me, was an emotional one. I found myself in tears, or on
the verge of tears, for most of the service. The message that day was all about
forgiveness and mercy. I needed to hear it. My soul craved it. Finally, for the
first time in a long time, my heart opened up a little that day, and I began to
forgive…everyone, even me.
Skipping Ahead
Of course, I
still slip and fall. I am, after all, just like you; a work in progress. All
the same, I find myself trying a little bit harder every day to be a little bit better me than the me I was yesterday -- even though you
might not see it. That’s the beautiful thing about working on myself from the
inside out, I get to see the benefits of that transformation inside my own
personal cocoon first. And hopefully, you’ll be able to see it soon too.
Moving Forward
That brings
me back to my original point: this 40-day challenge bit. I have been reading a
book, “The Love Dare” and while I will not disclose who I am practicing
these newfound tactics of love, patience and kindness on, I will say that it is
with someone who my relationship has been horribly strained for a very long
time. My goal, however, is not to fix this relationship, as much as it is to impart a lesson in my own heart. The cards, for this, will fall where they may. But
perhaps the reason things have been stagnant for so long is because I’m not
making the right moves to push things forward. More is possible through love, I
think, than is possible through anger.
So, I lend myself to something bigger than me
and trust that I am doing the right thing, for now. After these 40-days are
through, the answer will be clear, and the forward motion inevitable. Each day,
over the next 40-days, I will be blogging about the challenge I have accepted
for that day, and what I struggled with when working on that challenge.
Funny thing
is, since I began attending church again, I feel as though the message I get
each week is tailor-made for me. The message is something I not only need to hear
(even if I know it anyway), but something I need to work on applying a little
better in my own life. Even more than that, amazingly enough, something I can
track back to all of my relationships, and even, this Love Dare project. All I
can say is that, like everything else, I am taking it one day at a time. I will
do my best. There will be times I will fall, moments I will struggle and I might take a few steps
backward. That’s okay. The joy is in the journey. So, I hope you choose to take this journey
with me, starting tomorrow.
With love to
you all,
Shauna
0 comments