As I sit here in my home office on this particularly rainy,
cold and gloomy Saturday, I am enjoying a cup of hot coffee in solitude, while watching
the raindrops dance seductively outside on my windowpane. I find myself fascinated
with their teardrop tango, staring at each individual droplet, watching each
become intertwined in a soft, tapping medley. Yes, I digress. I am watching
these because, ultimately, I find myself doing one thing I know how to do best
on this particularly dreary Saturday: dissecting my latest ‘challenge’, chewing
it up in the bear trap that is my brain and preparing to spit it out in prose.
The Challenge
The message read simply: “You are nominated as subject
number one in my 21 days project.”
The second I read it, I felt a smile cross my lips, because
the 21 days concept is something I taught him awhile back.
So What’s With the 21
Days?
It is agreed upon by a vast consortium of psychology experts
worldwide that it takes 21 days of doing something before that “something” –
whatever it may be – becomes a habit. For this particular challenge, my 21 days
is finding a path to all-encompassing gratitude and love, by doing something
each day, molded around these seemingly simple concepts that are (truthfully)
anything but…
Yet, let’s break it
down…
I think there are multiple layers that cross the surface that
weaves together the tapestry of just about anyone’s “authentic self”. So, in
order to really do this challenge
the right way, I realized that I had to break myself down, layer by layer and
examine what I found on a deep level, at each layer.
People think…
There are multitudes of people out there who think they know
me, who think they know you, who think they can somehow speak to the manner of
person you are, the sort of person you were or the type of person you are
becoming. Thing is, they can’t. And sometimes, you have to shut out all of
those voices from your head if you are really going to be able to understand
the one relationship that will always matter most…the one you have with
yourself.
So here goes nothing…
First, I broke down what I think my better qualities are. I
have a good sense of humor, I love to laugh, I try to be generous, thoughtful
and giving. I am a hard worker and I believe that I am a fast learner. Then, of
course, there is the better part of my dual self where I try to see the best in
people, until they show me differently. All in all, it didn’t seem too bad at
the end of the day.
Then, I broke down my darker self, the side of me that can
be selfish, boastful, downright arrogant, unforgiving, unrelenting,
intentionally and unintentionally difficult, moody, difficult and bad-tempered.
Once I broke it all
down, I realized…
We all have dual selves. No one I have ever met in my life
is all one thing or another. If they were, they would (quite frankly) be boring
and disingenuous. Then, I realized something else. All too often, we base our
judgments on fragments; those we create and those we hear, and from those tiny,
well-placed or equally misguided fragments we make decisions. And maybe, just
maybe, that isn’t the best thing to do. Maybe, just maybe, we don’t know anyone’s
heart as well as we might think we do. Maybe, just maybe, we all need to stop
taking life advice from every meme we read on social media or, even in a blog –
like this one…yes, I’m calling myself out…and my meme addiction.
Then, once we have
realized that, we also realize that all moments in our lives all equally and unequivocally
conspire to our “right here, right now”
A year ago, I had been invited to go on a radio show, to
interview to be a writer for a major television network. Unfortunately, I had
to cancel due to some family issues, thinking that it was going to be a
temporary situation. It wasn’t. -- Things have a crazy way of unraveling
sometimes.
Originally, that was going to be “my shot”, my chance, my
escape, as it was. And, as challenging as it was for me a year ago to let that “golden
ticket” slip away, I sit here today, realizing that had I ran after that
opportunity, I wouldn’t have learned some of the lessons I needed to, I wouldn’t
have learned from some of the relationships I had learned from; both those
destined to stay and those destined to leave. I wouldn’t have the people in my
life that I have now, and as I realized this, I realize that life is really
just a massive conspiracy of moments. Moments that are drawn to give us not
always what we desire, but what we need, when we need it, for as long as it takes
for us to learn whatever lesson we are supposed to learn in that moment –
forming an all new conspiracy therein, and rinsing and repeating until we
either chronically ignore our destiny, or, even more frightening, embrace it.
And, when we realize
this, we begin morphing into something different…
Maybe we have to break ourselves down from time to time if
we are really going to understand the seemingly simple concepts of love and
gratitude. You see, I don’t think we can really ever show either to the world until
we first love ourselves, really love ourselves, warts and all, and are grateful
for the things that make us better, and even grateful for the things that don’t…because
those things teach us, keep us humble and bring us all back to the realization
that we are all human at the end of the day.
So this time, I’m
approaching my “challenge” as Subject number One, a little differently…
This time, instead of overwhelming myself with spreading the
concept, I’m going to take a journey inward, and take some time in blissful silence
to learn how to love me, without a safety net; sans a big, fuzzy blanket of
self-imposed security. I’m going to make myself get a little uncomfortable. I’m
going to walk through something, and hope and pray that the same person doesn’t
emerge on the other side, hope that a better one does.
I’m going to take some time to realize that I’m grateful for
what makes me strong, and what doesn’t…what I struggle with and what I don’t
like about being me. And, I think, that after this 21 day project, I will have
learned a lesson that has many times before been presented to me, but each
time, was just wearing a different set of pants. Because…I really haven’t
learned it yet.
So here is the end
game…
Over this 21 days, as I talk about the peaks and valleys
that each new day dawns with its miraculous sunrise, I am going to focus on a
single concept: an example is better than words, and there are two ways of
spreading light: to be the candle or to be the mirror that reflects it. Really,
over this next 21 day exercise, I’m going to take an opportunity to break
myself apart, and then, share that in my blog…because if I have learned
anything from my writing experience, it’s that if you can share your story in
an empowering way, it changes things. Sometimes, it even changes you…warts and
all.
Let the 21 days begin, and a new conspiracy of moments might
be born.
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