People, in general, as a whole, have a misconception of my
life. They think, they believe, that I live some sort of charmed existence,
some manner of magical realm that isn’t real. A life where everything is
wonderful and perfect and there is no pain, there is no striving (everyday) for
better, there is no challenge. The truth is, my life is murky, complicated and
difficult…on a daily basis, yet, no one would ever know it’s truth depth,
unless I tell them. And for the few (the very few) who know my battle, I earn
their undying respect. And it is because I always play eight moves ahead. I
know the endgame. I have seen it, and right now, I lay in waiting. Now is my
time to exert patience above else, and even if the players do not understand my
strategy, I do. However, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come with pain,
suffering and challenges on my part. Because…it does.
I have seen, dealt and met with sorrow and tragedy that
would leave most people spinning; things that would make most people break in
half to never recover. I write things in my head that will never see the light
of day, because the darkness of such things is not ready to be exposed…at
least, not yet. The trivial, petty problems that most folks gripe about are
things I am all too well acquainted with, yet they do not affect me. And it is
not because I am better or saintly, but rather, because I am far less than
saintly. It is because I am one of those people who have lived through seven
circles of hell. So we don’t discuss that life, not because it doesn’t matter, but
not much else affects us after that.
Everyone in life is given only what they can deal with. I
get that. So with that being said, know this, light will always eclipse
darkness, even if it takes 100 years to do so. Sometimes, most times, the best
souls have to earn the right to exercise patience to a degree that is near
saintly, in order to help those who need it see the light.
So here is an exercise in my own….it’s a blog about “them”
that I wrote two weeks ago.
In recent years, I haven’t talked much about my children. At
one point, I remember that was all I ever did. Then, a series of unfortunate
events knocked me a bit off kilter. Now? I find myself drawn to discuss my
roots, to go back to what molded me, to what made me, and the first thing that
popped into my mind when I began pondering this thought where my three
children. So this? Well, this is all about them.
Meghan
I miss her. I miss her more than words can say, more than my
heart can ever express. She will never know how many times I have been at the
mall, on the internet or online and see an owl (her signature thing), and my
heart well up in my chest…feeling like I am going to burst into tears at any
moment. Yet she, as stubborn and bull headed as I am, remains estranged, and
that is my fault as much as it is hers. And she probably will for many years.
But what I miss about my college aged girl is her drive, her tenacity, her spunk,
her care, her compassion, her loving and gentle nature. She (and she is going
to hate this with a passion), reminds me of me at her age. So full of love and
second chances, but with the capacity to be so cold and unforgiving, all at the
same time. Regardless, her work ethic, her drive, her ambition will give her
the keys to set the world on fire. And, even if we never speak again, I hope
she knows that I love her more than words can say, and my heart hurts every day
that I don’t see her beautiful face. She will do amazing things, of this I have
no doubt.
Deaunna
My DD. My sweet, precious Deaunna. You were probably one of
the most difficult babies I have ever encountered. Always colicky, always fussy
and eternally high strung…but with one of the purest hearts I have ever known.
Even when we butt heads and argue, even when everything seems to be going
wrong, that girl will be the first to cry, but also the first to say she is
sorry, even when she has nothing to apologize for. Never in my life have I met someone
more combative, but also more willing to want to try and do the right thing. Of
you, I could not be more proud. Whatever road life takes you down, I have no
doubt that your street smarts will help you navigate. You remind me constantly
of where I failed as a mother (even though I tried to do my best), not because
you are hateful or vindictive, but because I see where I needed to do better.
You have become a woman I am incredibly proud of. And, no matter what I always
will be. You? You are the flagship. You just don’t know it yet. When you have
finished navigating your stormy waters, I have faith that you will see that.
Regardless, know that I love you beyond measure…and I always will.
Briaunna
It took you 12 years to get to where it took me 34. You? Out
of all of my daughters are the strongest. And, unfortunately, out of all of
them, the most like me. You have a heart of gold that you mask in sarcasm. You
were my greatest student in that regard. Yet, as such, I know you. I see you.
Inside you want to be seen, even if you want to be invisible. But you? You have
a gift. Your art, your music and your passion will fuel the fire to become one
of the greatest women anyone has ever met. Your potential is unlimited…never
forget that. No bully, no person, no parent (not even me) can break you. You
are better than that. You always have been and always will be unbreakable.
But all Three of you…Know
This…Above All
I have no favorites
between you three. I value you each
differently…for different reasons…but know that I speak to you differently
based on that assessment. You? You’re different, and I couldn’t be more pleased
that you are. Never embrace normality. Ever. You are meant to set the world on
fire. And I know you will. Find your medium, find your platform and embrace
your destiny.
What scares me most is that each of you represents a stage
of my own personality, as I have evolved through the years, using your own
unique viewpoints. I see so much of me (good and bad) in each of you. As your
mother, what I want for you is only the good I have left, only the good I have
given you…and sadly, I have given you bad as well. I have never been perfect,
and I will never be. But what I want for each of you (what I have always
wanted) is for you to be better than me. In some ways, you all are, in others
you aren’t (and that is just life experience talking, you are all more than
capable). So now, I adjust my goggles and say that I want you to be the best
YOU that you can be, and no matter what, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you
for always, as long as I’m living, your mommy I’ll be.
I love you all more
than words can say, and I cannot wait to live to see the day that you all three
set the world ablaze better than I ever could. Because you can…and you will. Do
it. Live it. Learn it. Make it happen. There are no three women in the world
better equipped to change it than you three, together. There is strength in
numbers and in love, and between the three of you, I have never seen more
strength or love than I see with you girls. Do your best. Do your worst. Do it
all. But just do it. Make the change in the world that I couldn’t. If there are
three women who can, it’s you. And the entire reason for my existence? Well, it
was for you three. You are the best things I could ever hope to leave on this
Earth, for as long as I live. You make me proud, every day. All of you, for
different reasons. Never stop being you, and never stop living in truth. Ever.
Challenge yourselves…every day.
All my love,
Your Mommy
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