After 34 years on this tiny blue universal marble, I have
come to realize that life is a yo-yo. In other words, what goes up, must,
eventually come down…and life will certainly throw us a few curve balls from time
to time…especially every time we try to implement change…any change. I have
discovered that it is in these times of our lives that life presents us with
that same, ever present lesson that it always does, in order to see if we react
in the same manner as we always do, or to give us an opportunity to change it
up a bit. Tonight, I changed it up a bit. Whether it works or not remains to be
seen, but I’m not engaging in the battle royale that has reared its ugly,
three-pronged head this evening. I refuse. Instead, I’m going to say my piece
and then be peaceful. I insist on living a life of gratitude and free of
negativity, and I’m not going to buy into to the negativity of others. Not this
time.
What I promised you was a gritty, real life blog that
outlines how I am implementing Project Gratitude, so…let’s start from the beginning.
Here is what I have learned about myself this week:
1. I push myself too
hard…often. I am often unforgiving of my own weaknesses, and I will
overcompensate in some other area because of it. To combat this, I left myself
more open to listening this week instead of talking. I found this to be an
extremely beneficial action, and I think I am going to continue down this path…it
feels right, it’s a path more full of gratitude and openness…and a path that I
believe is leading me in the right direction.
2. I stress myself
out unnecessarily. Honestly, most of my problems are 97 percent made-up
scenarios in my own head that I have absolutely zero control over anyway. To
stay the course, I had to fall down a few times this week. And I fell hard. It’s
difficult for me to completely cut off old behavioral patterns cold turkey…but
I am trying. What I found is that it’s a process. But a necessary one,
nonetheless. I’m slowly getting better at realizing when I’m headed down that
path, and can change course much earlier than I have been able to in earlier
years. Granted, this is probably going to be a long haul, and it’s likely you
will see this particular struggle become a recurring theme in this project,
but, hopefully as I learn from this, you will as well. My hope is that I will
be able to eventually cut this part of my behavior out entirely…but it’s not
going to be an overnight thing…I realize this now.
3. Sometimes, I just
have to realize that I can’t please everyone…and I’m not going to try. You
see, I write my blogs for me. I am doing these projects for me. And, someone
else’s opinion of me doesn’t define me, blood or not. So love it or hate it, I’m
still doing it. Because I need to, because it makes me whole and happy. And, in
life, if you can’t make yourself whole and happy first, you can’t possibly be
expected to be able to do it for anyone else.
4. I spend far too
much time measuring my shortcomings, and I don’t show that part of myself…to
anyone. I am harder on myself than anyone else. That’s a part of me that is
deeply ingrained in my psyche. But, even those who believe they know me best,
never see this side of me. I’m quite adept at keeping a very hard lined mask on
this part of my personality. Yet,
with this lesson, I also realized one universal truth: I am not going to
compare myself to other people, and, what’s more, I also realized that I am no
longer going to allow anyone else to compare me to other people either.
Instead, I am going to focus on being the best “me” I can be. Of course, this
too, is a process, but I find this particular part of my project a little bit
easier to manage when compared to some of my other shortcomings. I am far more vulnerable
than what I let on, and I know you will see this in the upcoming months of this
project, but I figured now is as good a time as any to get that one out in the
open.
You see, many times people think I am closed off to criticism,
constructive or otherwise. When, in fact, the opposite is true. I have
typically already weighed and measured my own faults and shortcomings and have
already internally chastised myself for them. So what appears as my being
closed off is my having already dealt with my guilt, shame, remorse and faults,
often several layers magnified and more introspectively than what is pointed
out. I imagine many of you out there are the same way…thus, I’m giving voice to
it.
So this week, I’ve been a little more introspective, I’ve
been a little more vulnerable, I’ve been a little more decisive and I’ve been a
lot less apt to take myself too seriously. And, hopefully, as I extinguish more
and more negativity from my own internal battle, I can eliminate many of my
less than admirable personality traits and focus on more the aspects of me that
I like; the things about me I am grateful for. But, for now, as week one draws
to a close, I have felt the reverberations of the yo-yo effect. And while I’m
not entirely pleased with myself, I know that this is necessary for growth;
that pain is necessary for change. So, I’m letting myself feel it, but more
than that, I’m thankful that I can feel it, that I recognize it and that I see
it for what it is…a vehicle.
Which, of course, leads me into a segway for Project Manifest…which I will
blog about tomorrow, because, as I said earlier, this is a living, breathing,
ever evolving project, and I’m excited to share my newly updated and revised
list with all of you, and I would love for you to share your lists with me.
Together, we can hold one another accountable, and we can create change…real
change. I know that we can, because that particular goal is something I added
to my list just today. Because…thoughts become things.
So, I will leave you with a few questions I would like some answers to
before I launch into my next blog on this subject:
1. Is there someone in your life who inspires you to change?
2. Is there someone this week that touched your life in a negative way? How can you be grateful for that?
1. Is there someone in your life who inspires you to change?
2. Is there someone this week that touched your life in a negative way? How can you be grateful for that?
3. Is there someone in your life
who touched your life in a positive way?
4. Are you seeing more good, as
you learn to recognize more good in your life, as opposed to looking through a
prism of negativity?
I have. And that’s something I plan to write about in my next Project
Gratitude blog….but before then, it’s your turn to talk, and mine to listen.
Ready?
Set?
Go.
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