I want you to do something for me. I want you to close your
eyes, no matter where you are right now and think about your home. Consider all
of the depths of what is such a seemingly simple word. After all, home is where
our stories begin.
You probably have a smile on your face right now. You might
even be reminiscing about your favorite memories carefully crafted in your
abode, your most treasured moments, the smell of some baked, decadent treat wafting
from the oven, the dull glow of holiday lights and the warmth and joy of the hearth.
If you are doing such things, you are one of the lucky ones.
My house is not my home.
I did not understand the full impact that this house had
upon me until I texted the words a week ago. The second I did, I could not stop
the free falling stream of tears from my eyes. The phrase was simple enough as
it seemed:
I wrote, “This house is not my home. In fact, it has not felt like a home for almost as long as I can remember.”
It has not. It does not. I doubt it ever could.
The truth of that
stung my heart as much as it did my eyes that night.
The weight of this house is stifling to me; oppressive in
the long gone energy that still hangs like a thick fog in the air. There are
too many unpleasant memories here; too much gone wrong that can never be put
right again.
But it isn’t the house’s
fault…
Do not misunderstand, it is a decent house. These four walls
have served us well in the time that we have lived here. But I now realize (and
embrace) the notion of starting over, of having a clean slate, of being able to
reinvent myself just one more time…in a space that feels like home.
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It’s only time…
It is only a matter of getting my house finished before I place
it on the market for sale. Only a short while before I can bid farewell to things
I would much rather forget. Just months away of being able to look at walls and
rooms that no longer remind me of a life no longer mine, a lot I no longer want;
a life sans the painful memories and bitter regret that this house forces me to
remember every single day I am in it.
You see, not everyone blessed with a house is dually blessed
with somewhere they can feel at home. Which is precisely why moving (and moving
on) takes on such tantamount importance to most of us at the end of any
particular chapter in our stories; why selling a home can be such an emotional
time for those attached to the used to bes and could have beens. Because
sometimes we can create new memories inside four different walls; walls abundant
with the opportunity for change, for growth and even for rebirth; walls that
shelter instead of bind.
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Perhaps the lesson here is to stop spending so much time
fighting the old, and start focusing on building the new. Because whatever is
hurting, stifling, oppressing, bothering or distracting you are genuinely only
four mental walls you put up that get in the way of whatever it is that makes
you happy.
Now. Close your eyes again, and think about home. Then, tell
me what home feels like.
Bravo and well said.....
ReplyDeleteHome my dear daughter feels like you and your babies coming to fill our lives with hustle bustle activities visiting grandpa one last time, coming to care for me while I recouperated from major surgery in 2003, home was filled with love, tenderness, caring and respect. Home is a place with you and your girls playing, singing, and laughing, cooking, shopping and openly and honestly talking without criticism, put downs or ridicule. You made home a lovely decor and a place to stand tall and strong even when the home you had worked lovingly to put together was crumbling do to alcoholism and all the ugliness it hides from the truth and light. Home is love beckoning all to return to their purest, best and loving selves to rest, recuperate and be nurtured. Home is your loving ways and heart because you are like me an Earth Mother. Wherever you go your heart and live ring out for truth, justice and safety for all within the family. Home is the place you are and the structure you build in character, uprightness, and dignity. Home is you. I love you more than you could ever think and more everyday because you are doing the very best you can in difficult circumstances and you make me proud my prayed for little girl grown tall. Always remember we are not perfect, but God isn't finished with us yet. Home is love, patience, courtesy and consideration in the midst of turbulent times and in peace. When your home is sold it will be the building only; you will build a new home releasing all the negatives and embracing the new adventure ahead.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, remember too that home is here in my heart for you and your girls to rest a while and recharge your spirits. We invite you all to come home to us with open arms.