Maintenance required. It was a light on my engine, a
notification that my oil change was past due. Yet, it became so much more as I
thought about it, it became something poignant and meaningful. It became…dogma.
Relationships Gone
I imagine that all relationships we have had in our lives have come with a maintenance
required light that we see, but that we don’t see at the same time. We know
that when people move away, go to a different job, go to a place where we don’t
see them every day that maintenance is required if we want to even attempt to
keep the same bond. Yet, we don’t. Not really. We let it all go, we let them go
and we drift upon our own waters, on to the next person in line. The next... “convenient”
person in line.
And that isn’t to say that in doing so we are bad people. We
say we will keep in touch with the best of intentions, we proclaim love and
forevers and always as if we mean it (and we probably do), but the natural
progression of things is always the same…and that’s okay. We lose touch, and
those who leave become a distant (and sometimes fond) memory. As it should be. As is life.
Relationships Now
I think that the relationships we have had in the past set
us up to become more effective in the relationships we have, or even in those
we choose to preserve. For me, in this area, the “maintenance required” light
means that someone has to bring something wonderful to my proverbial relationship
table in order for me to keep them close. If they don’t, if they can’t, if they
are a front runner, a poser a flat out liar or an individual who only uses me
for their own gain, I have no time for them….and you know what? Your life
should reflect the same. Keeping people who are stuck, keeping “still” people,
the people who are still broke, still chasing after the same thing, still
partying like they are 21 when they are 41, still never growing up, still never
evolving…these are people that don’t belong anywhere near you…at least, not if
you want to get somewhere; not if you truly value yourself…because the truth
is, the “still” people, the people who don’t change, who don’t evolve, the
people who are still doing the same thing that they were five years ago, are
the “still” the same people who will never contribute to your success. And
their “stillness” isn’t your fault, but it also shouldn’t be your issue. Clear the space you have reserved for these still people
“Show me your friends and I will show you who you are…”
Words once said by someone much wiser than I. But yet, so true. In the last
five years I have gained, lost and kicked people out of my life. Some I still
love to this day, others who I don’t -- and who I never did --, but I am far better off
from making the vertical cut than the horizontal one any day. And they aren’t
all bad people, you know. Many of them are good, but…just not good for me, and visa versa, not
now and probably not ever. And that’s okay. I had to work through my mire of
things before I recognized that. But I am okay with letting them go; I am at peace with being a memory, either fond or not so.
And Now For the Rest…..
Once upon a time, there was a young girl. She was a hopeless
romantic, she was a teenage mom and she was always harder on herself than anyone could
ever be; when people told her she would fail, she worked three times as hard as
everyone else to prove them wrong. She survived things that most people only
tell stories about. For her, for women like her, for even women who have done a
fraction of what she has done, here is my advice to you men out there... at
1.
Tell her every day that she is beautiful,
because every time you don’t, the ugly tapes she has heard all of her life play
in her head. She will never tell you, she will never show you, because she is
too strong for that, but even the strongest among us are vulnerable in the most
simple of ways.
2.
Never make her feel like she has to compare or
be in competition with someone else, she doesn’t. She fought her entire life to
be one of a kind…honor that.
3.
Tell her what is right with her every day, not
what is wrong with her, she already knows what’s wrong with her, anyway. She picks at herself about it daily…she doesn’t need your help -- trust me. If she’s
worth a damn, she already knows her faults (probably far better than you do), and she is trying her level best to fight her own dragons. Dragson she has to fight, because she never expects a prince to do it for her. She will do it
herself, without you even knowing she is doing it.
4.
Tell her why you love her..not because you need
to say it, but because, no matter how strong you think she is, she still needs
to hear it. She is, afterall, only human. And, remember that she already tells you in so many ways. When she rubs your back you are stressed or tired,
when she looks at your softly even when you yell at her, when she chooses to raise her words and not her voice. She even tells you when she is upset with you; she cleans, she
puts your laundry away and she does it all without complaint or expectation. And even though she might already know, or even if you think she might already hear it by your behavior, sometimes...she still needs to hear it.
Maintenance, it’s required in relationship and in life. Either do it, or pay the price
of an overhaul. And, in my eyes, a little maintenance is far better than that.
I really enjoy reading your blogs. You express yourself clearly and effectively. That is why I subscribe!
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