September was a strange month for us. It began in a crescendo
of awesome, then sunk, then rose again. It started off with a trip to
Fredricksburg that we took one weekend. And we had an amazing time. We, as we
often did, planned just about everything last minute, but we spent two absolutely
glorious, drama free days there. And, it was then that I noticed a few things:
1. Our talks in the car. They were always open, free and
meaningful. Talks neither of us could have with anyone else. And we know this, because we admitted it to each other...finally.
2. He stared at me a lot that weekend, thinking I wasn’t
looking or didn’t notice, but I did...and that comes into play later.
3. That when we were “away” from the people we both
proclaimed (at the time) ‘friends’ everything was right with the world. It wasn’t
ever until we came back to San Antonio that there was interference and drama
from those outside our circle.
And that was when my resentment for said people began to
build. A lot.
Yet, I still attended every baseball game. I was always the
first call when he would lose his keys on the VIA park and ride to the Spurs
games, and he still called three times a day…sometimes more.
September also became the month that I resolved to create
and work on a list of people who I loved, and to remind them every day that I
loved them…him most of all. So, first thing in the morning, I would text my
loved ones a personal message. Then, again, the last thing I did before I went
to bed was the same.
He would rarely respond, other than a smart ass remark most days, but
I kept on anyway.
It wasn’t until he sent me these that I realized how much he
had started to count on those messages throughout the day:
But yet, always the interference from the outside that
month. Too many people poking around, asking questions and inserting themselves
like tampons in our business. Funny thing was, they all came from “his” side of
the fence, not mine. There was a lot of conniving and manipulation and just
outright deceit. Finally, I had it. I couldn’t take it anymore.
One night, as we were talking, I told him that I couldn’t
take it. If I could have the fortitude to tell people to buzz off and mind
their own business, so should he. But, I made it clear that if he was “with me”,
he’d better damn sure make it clear to those self-same individuals, because continually
living in what felt like eternal limbo was driving me insane.
He refused.
And I simply could not (and cannot to this day) understand
why. I told him, “Why do you care about so many people who never have a
conversation with you unless you reach out to them first, or unless they want a
bar tab paid? Why do you hold on so tight to people who have already let go of
you?” I remember telling him that night, breaking down into tears that I knew
he was better than that, that I saw such greatness in him, and that his
obsession with holding on to what was gone (and should remain that way) made no
sense to me, as I watched that war within his own heart and mind tear him apart.
Because the truth was that watching that, watching him wrestle with a past full of people who didn't really care about him at all tore me apart. You see, I have never had any issue with cutting people out, letting people go. Not because they are bad, but because I realized that they are bad for me; that they aren't meant to go where I am going...and that's okay. I don't feel a need to collect people, to remain "friends" (Facebook or otherwise) with people who don't add value in my life. Long ago, I decided that if you aren't making deposits in my life, you're making withdrawals, and if the withdrawals exceed the deposits, something is very, very wrong.
As someone who spent most of her life trying to "fix" the problems for everyone else, I was lied to, used and often taken advantage of. When I saw the same things happening to him, I simply could not stand for it. I recognized those people for who and what they are, and they were (and are still all) people who continually judge others...who they, themselves, aren't even close to getting their own shit together.
He was (is) better than that. So am I. And I had no time, nor patience, to trifle with people who wanted nothing more than to remain in the past, in their past and to bring nothing but that past to our proverbial present table.
Not that I would ever tell him who he can or cannot have as friends, mind you. But rather, I recognized, early on, those people who were not his "friends" at all. People who would do nothing but use him or take advantage of his generous heart. People who would talk badly about him behind his back, but still come to him for financial assistance. No. Not acceptable. People who didn't give a shit about him on his birthdays or other special occasions. And people who I know did not, because for the past three years weren't around for a single thing, unless Jon or I paid for it. They did nothing; contributed nothing; gave nothing...and only showed their faces when they wanted something.
And those who did do something...anything at all...over the last three years? Well...they
always asked me (or him) to reimburse them. Ha. Some "friends" those are. Assholes is more like it. Assholes who pretend to be successful and "balling" on Facebook, but people who still to this day are unable to cover their own bills, whereas he and I have not only been able to cover our own bills, but move forward and become even MORE successful financially and in our relationship since they have been gone. Coincidence? I think not.
You become like the five people you hang around with most. We hung out with losers and liars. I stopped. And while he did stop hanging out with them, he wouldn't cut them out completely -- but I did, and I never felt even the slightest tinge of guilt over it. But that was where we disagreed. He wouldn't cut them out completely. He got stuck.
My argument has, was, and will forever be the same, "When you leave the door open to the past, the past will come calling. When you answer the past, it still has nothing new to say. Let go completely. Delete the photos, delete the messages, delete the people. And if God wants them to catch up, or reunite you, He will. But holding on to anything, or anyone just for the sake of holding on to them, collecting people, takes up the space that the next person God wants to lead to you into your life."
See, that's why I never have an issue with it. God puts in my path who he needs there, he removes people for the same reason. And, I have enough trust and faith in him to see that, and to remove people who He doesn't want there anymore, so I can clear the space for new introductions....because that's the only way to move forward. One day, I think he will understand that too.
Because the truth was that watching that, watching him wrestle with a past full of people who didn't really care about him at all tore me apart. You see, I have never had any issue with cutting people out, letting people go. Not because they are bad, but because I realized that they are bad for me; that they aren't meant to go where I am going...and that's okay. I don't feel a need to collect people, to remain "friends" (Facebook or otherwise) with people who don't add value in my life. Long ago, I decided that if you aren't making deposits in my life, you're making withdrawals, and if the withdrawals exceed the deposits, something is very, very wrong.
As someone who spent most of her life trying to "fix" the problems for everyone else, I was lied to, used and often taken advantage of. When I saw the same things happening to him, I simply could not stand for it. I recognized those people for who and what they are, and they were (and are still all) people who continually judge others...who they, themselves, aren't even close to getting their own shit together.
He was (is) better than that. So am I. And I had no time, nor patience, to trifle with people who wanted nothing more than to remain in the past, in their past and to bring nothing but that past to our proverbial present table.
Not that I would ever tell him who he can or cannot have as friends, mind you. But rather, I recognized, early on, those people who were not his "friends" at all. People who would do nothing but use him or take advantage of his generous heart. People who would talk badly about him behind his back, but still come to him for financial assistance. No. Not acceptable. People who didn't give a shit about him on his birthdays or other special occasions. And people who I know did not, because for the past three years weren't around for a single thing, unless Jon or I paid for it. They did nothing; contributed nothing; gave nothing...and only showed their faces when they wanted something.
And those who did do something...anything at all...over the last three years? Well...they
You become like the five people you hang around with most. We hung out with losers and liars. I stopped. And while he did stop hanging out with them, he wouldn't cut them out completely -- but I did, and I never felt even the slightest tinge of guilt over it. But that was where we disagreed. He wouldn't cut them out completely. He got stuck.
My argument has, was, and will forever be the same, "When you leave the door open to the past, the past will come calling. When you answer the past, it still has nothing new to say. Let go completely. Delete the photos, delete the messages, delete the people. And if God wants them to catch up, or reunite you, He will. But holding on to anything, or anyone just for the sake of holding on to them, collecting people, takes up the space that the next person God wants to lead to you into your life." See, that's why I never have an issue with it. God puts in my path who he needs there, he removes people for the same reason. And, I have enough trust and faith in him to see that, and to remove people who He doesn't want there anymore, so I can clear the space for new introductions....because that's the only way to move forward. One day, I think he will understand that too.
Not that I ever claimed to be perfect, you know, I’m not.
Never have been, never will be.
And, as the middle of September bled into arguments about
people who needed to exit our lives (that he didn’t see yet), at the end of
September, he said, “Let’s get away from here. Let’s just go. When it's just you and me, it's perfect. And I want that again. Let's just get away from all the dicks and the drama. Pack your bags. We are leaving for the weekend, and I'm not telling you where we are going.”
So we did. We packed our bags and skipped town to a destination I didn't know about just yet. And it was exactly what we needed, because it
turned into the surprise vacation of a lifetime…the one that changed everything.
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