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I had butterflies. I don’t know how I still have butterflies every time I get to see him, but I do. As I drove closer to my destination, to him, I kept smiling to myself. I had missed him so much. It had been almost a month since I had seen him. But, every day brings him one day closer to being able to come home….for good.
He counts the days up, I count them down. We are different when it comes to the math bits of it all, but also the same. Because regardless of how we get to the end result, we are both tracking the time left for his long awaited homecoming.
I remember sitting at a table at our rendezvous spot, waiting for him to arrive. He burst through the door – I could tell her was excited – but didn’t see me at first. I was nestled snugly in a corner, doing what I do best – nervous fidgeting. I heard him, as he scanned the room impatiently say, “Where IS she?” (She, of course, being me.)
Just as I was about to call out to him, he turned and saw me. He face lit up, he smiled. He was happy to see me too. I wondered if he was as happy to see me as I was him? One of the mysteries of the Universe I suppose – damn, I wish I was a mind reader some days.
Then, as he sat down, he remarked, “Have I even been able to see you this year at all?” – A clear indication of his displeasure at my lack of presence (which isn’t a bad thing).
I pondered on it, and replied in the negative.
Then, I thought about it for a second longer, and said, “But I’m here now!”
From there, it was “us” as usual
There is a sort of magic, I think, that comes over people when they have a deep, meaningful, profound bond. You can miraculously sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing, and it feels like mere minutes. Everyone in the entire room fades away into black, because all you can do is be there, be present for that other person sitting across the table from you, that person staring into your face, picking at your hair and laughing uncontrollably; because that’s all you WANT to do; because every day you are apart leads up to the excitement of when you are able to spend a day together.
We made decisions that day; mutual decisions to drive our future forward, a list of things for me to take care of while he is away, and swapped funny stories. We reminded each other that we are both crazy – and that we have a unique and uncanny ability to drive the other one crazy at a moment’s notice. But, as we sat there in that room on a dreary Saturday afternoon, sharing a coke and having some snacks, we also both silently acknowledged the same thing we always do – that we wouldn’t have it any other way. In our own, sarcastic sort of way, of course.
I think that some of the best relationships in life are those that are forged through fire and ice and wind and fury. They are the ones that make us impassioned, the ones that give us butterflies, the ones that make us look forward to coming home, not dreading it. These aren’t relationships where the basis of passion is built from the worst things human nature has to offer; lies, cheating or abuse, but because they are built and forged by those who will tell you the truth, no matter what, who will be there to catch you when you fall, and who will always life a hand to help you up whenever you stumble; spirits who will look at all of your flaws, your wrinkles, your imperfections and love you in spite of them. And these people? These people are the most rare and wonderful of all.
The lesson? Well, mine….the one that I am still trying to learn, is the importance of keeping the keepers and not keeping the people who shouldn’t be kept; of not reopening doors God shut for a reason. Instead of crossing some bridges, I opt to use kerosene and a book of matches to burn them to the ground. Then cement. Then I build a shopping mall on top of where the bridge used to be. Why? Because sometimes doors are shut for a reason, because not all bridges need to be crossed one more time, and because well done is ALWAYS better than well said.
So whatever phase of life you are in, whether it’s making amends to those you have wronged, or pretending someone is dead (which is always my go to strategy), here is the little bit of wisdom I have for you on it. We all have burdens, guilt, shame and even fear. There might be someone in your life you would HATE to see at the grocery store, or the mall or a social event, party or mixer. They probably feel the same way about you. (“Oh God, not HER.) However, that doesn’t mean you walk up to them, give them a hug and absolve everything, hoping to rekindle an old flame or reestablish a friendship.
Most times, asking a higher power for forgiveness is enough. From there? Let the Universe guide your path. Do not trudge off in stubborn willfulness, assuming you know how to handle other humans best. You don’t. You didn’t make them, and you don’t know the path that God wants them to walk; and how 9 times out of 10 that path no longer includes you.
As it should be. That’s life. The sooner we just let go and move forward, the sooner we accept apologies we never got, we are free. Therein is the lesson for everyone.
Acknowledge. Accept. Move the fuck on and don’t look in your rearview. You’re not going that way.
Hugs and Kisses,
Miss Adventures
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