Admit it, at some point in your life, you have known one: a truly, undeniably crazy bitch. And I’m not talking about the “fun” crazy, the “hilarious” crazy, the “interesting” crazy or even the “intellectual” crazy.
No.
Indeed, I am talking about the straight-up-shove-a-shiv-in-your-back-with-a-smile-you-will-make-it-one-day crazy bitch. Whenever encountering this highly volatile and clearly dangerous species of female, you only need know one thing: How to successfully implement The Crazy Bitch Survival guide. Thankfully, I’ve got your back.
Step 1: Identify that you are indeed, actually dealing with a crazy bitch
Truly crazy bitches are quite easy to spot. They will park behind your car like a psychopath, blocking all potential escape routes…for absolutely no reason. They will become insanely jealous should you have any other friends or even think about talking to someone else….stranger or not. They will lie. Obsess. Freak out. Yell at random people. Stab you. This is your first clue that you are dealing with a true psycho. Thankfully, all is not lost.
Proceed to step two.
Step 2: Get Busy
The crazy bitch won’t take a hint, like most other women can. If you say you aren’t able to get out by making up any random lie or excuse in order to not have to deal with senora psychopath, she will still find a way to get to you. You’ll need to create some legitimate “I am too busy to put up with your crazy psycho shit” excuses.
However, do not ever tell her – or even elude to the fact -- that she is a crazy bitch during this stage. She will kill you and dissolve your body in hydrochloric acid…and then tell your mother you got married. So, your next strategy is to get busy. And I mean, “I can’t go to your thing, because my cat is getting married this weekend,” kind of busy.
You feel me?
If that doesn’t work; if she is still hanging around like a bad case of the clap….you’ll need to go to step three.
Step 3: Get Even Busier
Once your cat is enjoying wedded bliss, you might find yourself grasping for straws on how to become even busier, so that you can avoid the crazy bitch in your life. Here’s your hint. All of a sudden, you will find yourself having a lot of “out of town” trips. The trick is to actually go out of town….because crazy bitches will stalk your happy ass and drive by your house 17 times a day. To avoid getting caught, if you don’t have enough frequent flyer miles to subsidize said lie, think outside of the box. Park your car in the garage. Turn out all the lights. Hide under a blanket. Pray.
After a week of this, if the crazy bitch is STILL hanging on, it’s time to go to step four.
Step 4: Change Your Locks
You were probably a complete dumbass at one point, and likely gave her a key to your casa (or just assume that she already had one made a kiosk somewhere to be safe) – bad move man…bad move.
She will use that access point at this stage of the game. She will get an incredible inclination to visit your things whilst you are “away” and wear your clothes, eat your food, watch your TV and spray your cologne on everything she owns (yes, that means everything) so that she feels close to you. You will come home to a house that smells like Axe body spray, a totally psychotic episode and shame.
The best possible hope you have at this point is to change your locks and tell her you did it because “someone broke in”.
What?
That isn’t exactly a lie. I mean, she broke in…and used your Axe like an air freshener – which is just plain out fucked up – that shit isn’t cheap. Just make sure she isn’t there when you have the locksmith come visit. It WILL get ugly if she is.
If she still isn’t getting the hint, move on to step five.
Step 5: Change Your Number
At this point, the crazy bitch has likely figured out that you are avoiding her like the Black Plague. She will likely be pissed. You will no doubt be the unwilling recipient of many very angry and irrational calls and text messages. Let me help you out here. Just change your number. This will help gauge her current level of crazy.
If her gauge is set to I’m-gonna-bang-incessantly-on-your-door-until-you-answer-and-leave-a-boiling-bunny-on-your-front-porch, you really need to move on to step six.
If her gauge is set to I’m-gonna-bang-incessantly-on-your-door-until-you-answer-and-leave-a-boiling-bunny-on-your-front-porch, you really need to move on to step six.
Step 6: Adopt A New Identity
Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but, at this point, you’re really only left with the hope of crafting a new identity out of this mire of bullshit you created by getting involved with a crazy bitch in the first place. Find someone who knows how to make a fake ID, reuse the social security number of a dead (but still voting) Democrat and get used to responding to your new name….Mr. Smith.
But, if she can still find you, after all of this it’s time for step seven.
Step 7: Buy a Taser
Crazy, psychotic bitches don’t often respond well to words. In fact, they are usually inclined to jump on you and start biting the second you say anything like “We should see other people”. So, before you get your ear bitten off by the likes of a mini Mike Tyson wearing a mini skirt, way too much makeup and a wig, you should probably invest in a Taser. And don’t be afraid to use it the next time you see her.
Then again, sometimes these really crazy bitches like that type of action….so your next logical move can only be step eight.
Step 8: Move to Another Country
You always wanted to go to Europe, right? Here’s your chance. I mean, you do have a new identity and all.
Sell all of your stuff. Move your ass and pray to God she can’t find you.
Then again….step nine still applies even after you are sipping a cup of coffee in France and thinking the worst is behind you.
Step 9: Watch Your Six
You are highly likely to spend the next few months watching your ass as if it was Pam and Tommy’s sex tape. You need to. You never know if and when that crazy bitch will find you. Because, make no mistake, she’s looking for your ass. If she does happen to see your latest Facebook status update, showcasing your lovely Tuscan villa…the last step in the crazy bitch survival guide is the most heinous.
Step ten.
Step 10: Unleash Your Own, Unique Brand of Crazy
Look. Sometimes this just needs to happen. There comes a point when all bets are off. If she still won’t go away, you can pat yourself on the back and know that you have truly found the top shelf psycho that you have always wanted to avoid. At this point, you are probably twitching a lot and have lost most of your hair. However, she will still want you.
Now?
Now, my friend, it’s time to unleash the most powerful weapon you have: You have to be crazier than she is.
Thankfully, after putting up with months to years of her bullshit, this will not be horribly challenging. You’re probably already acting a little bit like a certifiable prisoner of war. That’s okay. Embrace it.
Use it. Let the crazy flow through you.
Because, the only way to get rid of a truly psycho bitch is to finally show her that you are even crazier than she is.
Good luck. God’s speed.
-Miss Adventures
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