Anger Management: The Struggle is Real
By: Shauna Zamarripa
Honestly, it takes a hell of a lot to get me angry. I don’t have a hair trigger temper – even though some people think I do…mostly because those people have been assholes for so long that they deserved a good blowing up on.
Here’s what I do have though. I do have a tendency to hold on to things for so long and so tightly, to let my resentment build, despite trying to let whatever is bothering me go, that just one wrong statement piled on at the end of a rough day, or on a day when I am feeling tired and overwhelmed will (quite literally) unleash the Kraken.
In which case, duck and cover is probably my best advice to anyone in my wake during such moments.
I can hold a grudge about 70 times longer as the most talented opera diva can hold a note.
Because, chances are, when I have decided that you have had more than enough chances, I cut you off. For good. And I’m not sorry about it, either.
And yes, I know that isn’t always the right answer, and yes that is something I am working on.
Cut me some slack. I have been that way all my life.
And, truth is, I do have some legitimate reasons to be angry. My trouble comes when I take out that anger on someone else because they remind me of someone who has done me wrong, or because I see so much of someone I am angry at in another human being, that I will wall up and decide to be angry at them too.
And sometimes it’s just because I’m an asshole. I’m human.
Thing is, I know I am not the only woman in the world like this. Hell, I’m not the only person in the world like this.
So, if you find yourself in my shoes there is a coping strategy I have found recently that is both helpful and healing.
I picked the five people I am the most angry at (hey, it’s a long list after 35 years, this can only be done in increments) and I wrote them each a letter. I spoke to them about why I am angry, why I have been angry with them for so long and how I would like to be able to forgive them one day.
These are letters that I will never send. Not ever.
These are chapters long since closed. But I had to do it for me. So? After I wrote these five letters, I burned them.
And yes, it helped.
However, as I took the pen to the paper of each of these letters, I realized two very important things:
The first thing is that most anger is born out of pain. And that sometimes we hold on to it because it is the only defense mechanism that works 100% of the time. If you are mean enough, you will scare enough people away so that you don’t get hurt again. Because your heart can’t handle getting hurt anymore. Because sometimes pretending you don’t have a heart is the only way you know how to keep yours safe.
The second thing I realized is that while I have held on to this anger and resentment for many, many years now towards so many people, the one person I was truly, honestly the most angry with….was myself.
And I was angry with myself for several reasons. I was angry at myself for holding on to all of this. For displacing my anger. For allowing it to rule and control so much of my life for so long. For not risking the pain of getting hurt. For justifying my own bullshit.
So even though my assignment for the week was five letters, I wrote six. And I don’t mind sharing the last one with you at all.
Dear Me,
Please remember to allow yourself to be human, and that you have to allow others to be human too. Try to show the world your heart instead of your walls. And know that I forgive you, because I don’t want to be angry with you anymore.
Love,
Me.
It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to get upset. It’s even okay to blow up from time to time. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s also okay to have boundaries and not feel like the entire world has to like you (and vice versa). All of that is okay. Being an asshole is not. And that is coming from someone who has done her own fair share of being a huge asshole. So take where I screw up, learn from it and apply it to wherever you need to, so that you can avoid making the same stupid mistakes that I have.
Much Love from Me to You,
Miss Adventures
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