You know, for the third time in as many days, I had someone
say to me, “It’s nice to know you are human, and not the machine that we
think you are.” And, I guess I can be a
machine at some points -- or at the very least some people perceive me to be a machine...cold, unfeeling and regimented. I suppose I’ve always been that way to a point. When my focus and determination
is on one thing, I can become very single minded. And, as I continue this 21
days of pain challenge, I’ve had to admit that to myself...and it was hard.
Come to think of it, I’ve had to admit a
lot of things to myself that I’m not exactly comfortable with. And, while I’ve
done it private, continuing to behave like the machine that I know I can be, I
find myself conflicted. Not with anything or anyone in particular, save myself.
So, tonight, I’m changing it up a bit. Normally, I use my memes to supplement my
blog. Today, I’m going to use them to expand on the thought. Because…well….this
is a blog about…everything. And, if I’m going to complete this journey the way
that I’m supposed to, it just somehow feels right.
Save Yourself...
There are times in our lives, I think, that we all have to make the decision on whether or not we are going to save someone else, or save ourselves. And, as I have reflected on this concept for several weeks now, I remember an analogy I heard a long time ago: When a plane is crashing, you are told to take the oxygen for yourself first, and then give it to your loved ones. A simple piece of advice, with a complex meaning: Save yourself, because, unless you do, you can't save anyone else. Part of my 21 day journey has been learning this all over again. Sometimes life gives us the same lessons because we haven't yet learned them. Other times, it gives us the same lessons because we need a reminder of what we already know.
Breaking the "rules"....
Over time, we all make up these sets of "rules". We all create this ideal, this agenda...but maybe the entire point of doing all of that is to find the people in the world that make you want to break every single one of those rules into pieces; to reinvent them; to reinvent yourself...one more time, or maybe even a thousand more times; to create something new inside of you. Perhaps that's the key: flexibility.
A machine I am not....
I am human. Just like you are. I have thoughts, doubts, fears, feelings, things that I am scared to either do or say. I, like you, fear loss, fear rejection, fear saying too much, fear saying too little. Yet, after everything, this last year and those prior, I've learned that the most broken people are the most beautiful when light shines through the cracks of their soul. And I wonder if anyone else takes the time to notice that too?
Taking the lead...
Awhile ago, I had an "I love you list". And, two people in particular challenged me on it to a point of rage that I stopped. I blatantly, completely and totally stopped; without warning, without explanation. I built walls up around my heart so high that no one could scale them. Yet, during that construction I realized something else. If I don't take the lead, maybe no one else will. Why punish those who appreciate what you are doing because of those who don't? This one, for me, has been a hard lesson to learn. Oftentimes, when someone hurts me, I say nothing, but I wall up, in silence. So, to most people I might seem distant or aloof, but I'm really just in self-protection mode. Yet, it's time for me to break out of that...again. It's time for me to start back up with the good habits I was building, before I forgot how fulfilling that can be. Maybe that's my lesson. Perhaps it's bigger than my lesson. Perhaps it's a lesson for us all.
Know who you are, but know who you're not
There are so many things, people, influences and ideas out there...all telling us who we should be, what we should think, how we should feel. And, maybe, when you tune those things out, you can finally hear the voice that has been trying to get through to you through the noise for however long she's been speaking. Yes, I'm human. Just like you. Perhaps even more so. I am flawed, I am imperfect, I am challenging, I am difficult, but I am also one of the most loyal and fiercely loving people I know. Throughout this challenge, I've learned who I am, and I've learned who I'm not.
Once Upon a Time...
Someone, once quite dear to me, told me once that I am in a constant state of reinventing myself. And, even though I smiled when he said this, I knew he was wrong. You see, I've only ever been in a constant state of creating who I want to be...even though I have often been unsure of who that is. And, while I'm still not entirely sure who that is, I know that I have some decisions to make in this upcoming year, and I know what I have to do, and what I don't. And, after 17 days of a 21 day challenge that has been hell on my soul, I found something I thought was forever lost. To find out what, you'll have to stick around for day 21 and beyond.
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