As I sit her on this unseasonably cold San Antonio night, with
the wind howling outside of my windows, the cursor on my screen beckons me.
And, like the song of a mystical siren, I answer her call like an obedient
servant. And, as I sat down to write tonight, about some completely unrelated
things, I find that I just can’t run away from a thought that has been plaguing
me for the past few days now, – try as I might – and that thought is simply
this: “Am I better off today than I was a year ago today?”
So Close, Yet So Far
Apart
Seasons change, people come and go, and typically you look
back over several years and see diminished patterns fall in favor of new
behaviors and experiences. Usually, it takes years. For me, this one time, it
took only one.
Then to Now
When I started 2013, I remember making a pact with a friend.
It was a simple vow. A promise that 2013 was going to be “our year”. Yet, as I
sit here in my office, in a partially demolished house, ravaged by a fire last
summer, I can’t exactly say that 2013 was “my year”. That is, if I were to measure
this past year in successes alone. There was a lot of pain, a lot of heartache,
a lot of loss, a lot of remembering things probably better off forgotten and
made peace with long ago. Yet, as this year draws to a close, I can say that I’ve
learned more about me, and those nearest and dearest to me than I ever thought
I would. Still, it’s me I learned about the most.
Taking Ownership
This year made me grow up a lot. It made me face a lot of
things I had been hiding and avoiding for a very long time. This year taught me
a renewed perspective, made me value recognizing self-defeating behaviors and
attitudes that didn’t work; that were worn out; that were tired; that didn’t
deserve to see the light of day. This year became a chrysalis, of sorts. And,
while I’m not nearly done with me yet, I can say that this 21 days of pain
experiment has been exactly that…painful. But, in a good way. After all, pain
can oftentimes just be weakness leaving the body, be it mental or physical. This
exercise has forced me to expose my demons and let the skeletons in my closet
roam freely. And, somewhere in all of that, I began to find a peace that I cannot
adequately put into words, even in the midst of total chaos.
From Now to Then
I have no idea what 2014 holds. However, I’m not naïve
enough now to say it’s going to be my year, but it is going to be a year I
intend to get the most out of. Then, rise and repeat each year after that. As
the clock ticks closer to my 35th year on this big blue marble, a
co-inhabitant of yours on this planet, as another year ebbs and flows, Father
Time brings both promise and the promise of pain; we are also afford opportunities
to create new memories, to clean slate the broken, to repair the spoiled, but
even more than that, to fall down and get back up all over again.
Looking back, with the right mindset, often provides us all
with the strength we need to look forward, and then take the first step in that
direction.
So, to answer my own question: “Am I better off today than I
was a year ago today?” The answer is simply, yes. Probably for the first time
in a long time, the answer is yes. Because, over the five years prior to that,
I was slipping into the cavernous darkness of my own mind a little more day by
day. And, it was by sheer grace and luck that I was gifted the right people, at
the right times during those years, to help me see the light I needed to claw
my way toward some sort of salvation. Some of them remain, others fallen away.
Yet, all of the memories have brought me to a place of peace where I can say I
wish them all happiness, and I am truly thankful for everything they taught me,
good and bad.
It’s Never Ending
And maybe my climb won’t ever stop. Maybe yours won’t
either, but I believe that unless we acknowledge the darkness, we will never be
able to truly appreciate the light. So I’m ending 2013 like this: I’m deleting
all of the old messages, the worn out welcomes, the things that serve no good
and I’m using from today on, to work toward something better, something more.
After all, I never was one for New Year’s Resolutions anyway. So, in my mind,
there is no better day to start than the one you’re sitting in right now.
Because a little planning and a lot of faith can take you pretty far in this
world, I think. And I’d rather start moving forward right here and right now as
opposed to 26 days from now.
Of course, my challenge isn’t over yet. I have nine more
days until I can say I have completed the 21 days of pain challenge. And, if
the next nine days prove to be like the prior 12, I fully anticipate more
lessons to be included in them, but those lessons won’t include the baggage I
have been carrying, and it will not include the rocks I’ve placed around my own
neck.
So, what about you? Are YOU better off than you were a year
ago today?
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