By: Shauna Zamarripa
I rise.
I succeed.
I empower.
I inspire.
I love.
I also do a lot of STUPID shit that I end up kicking myself
for after I do it.
I hate.
I retaliate.
I have a horrible temper.
Sometimes I just say (and do) stupid fucking things.
I don’t mean to. I don’t even do many of them with intent.
But sometimes, it happens.
And then, in a moment of rage, or even just being so inside
your head that you can’t get out of it, you do something horrific/say something
horrific and behave like a general major asshole of epic proportion… as if you
are somehow supposed to lead the Army of Dickdom to success on the battlefield
of Assholierthanthouness, as if somehow that’s your mission in life; a mission
you can’t bear to fail. The only problem is that you end up behaving this way to
someone who doesn’t deserve that.
At all.
Because, sometimes, you’re just an asshole.
Because, sometimes, we all are.
And then, when the aftermath is over, when the dust settles
and you REALIZE how much of an asshole you are, you feel about two inches tall.
Probably shorter.
You don’t even know what you can say or do to make it
better. Words (ironically, for a writer) completely fail you at a time you need
them most. And….you don’t even know how to act. Because you wrap yourself up in
a cocoon of fear, of shame, of self-loathing.
You feel so terrible that you don’t even want to look at
yourself in the mirror.
So? You don’t.
You’re just in your head, trying to figure out what you are
supposed to do next.
And you’re sorry that you’re not fucking perfect. This time.
Then, I guess, you start crawling out of your head a little
bit. You realize how many times you allowed other people to not be perfect, how
many times you forgave them, how many chances you have given them to be
completely and totally imperfect, even when everyone else was telling you not
to. How many times they said things that stung too, but how many times you
never even told them that they did. Because you had already chosen to forgive
them, even before they said it.
And while you weren’t always right for doing this, you were
right more often than not.
And that’s the thing about relationships and love, isn’t it?
These things, on their own, are not at all difficult to understand, but people
sure do make them difficult sometimes….myself included. Myself, sometimes, most
especially.
Then again, I have always been my harshest critic.
But that’s probably why I can call myself of most of my own
shit – there’s still some I am not ready to address…just yet – if we are being
honest and all.
And, as I was looking for a new cover photo to my Facebook
page tonight, I ran across a photo I had put up in 2013, that made me smile a
little bit, a photo that said, “Life is like Google, you just have to know what
you are searching for.”
And you do.
Even when you don’t.
Sure, I have a lot of my “shit” together. Sure, a lot of
people follow me and listen to me and share my stuff, and sure, sometimes I
feel great about all of that. But there’s a lot of me you don’t see. You don’t
see when I struggle, you’ve never seen my cry in the shower, or myself to
sleep. You never will either. Because I am, if nothing else, a struggle all her
own that is wrapped in strength….as I imagine many of you are….right now…..this
second.
And you have those moments where you wish you could be
perfect, or at least partially perfect, and then you realize that if you were,
you wouldn’t have anything left to learn. So, what’s the fun in that?
It’s during those moments that you pick yourself up, dust
yourself off (as best you can), accept, let go, look up at the sky with tears
in your eyes and say, “I don’t know what to do, but I know you’ll tell me what
to do when I’m ready to hear it….I just hope that I’m ready to hear it sooner
than later. Because I’m sorry that I’m not fucking perfect today….Kind of. Because if I was, I wouldn't need this lesson that I so clearly need, right now, this second. So? Universe? Teach me something new. Please.”
And, almost as if the Universe heard me, the wind blew through the trees at that moment, leaves fell at my feel, and I heard a whisper in the wind, that simply said, "Okay. Wait. Be Patient. Let me do MY thing."
So, that is exactly what I am going to do. Wait. Be Patient. Be still. And let the Universe do her thing.
....For now.
Have YOU ever felt like this? Share YOUR stories and
thoughts! Because, it helps. Honest.
All my completely imperfect love,
Miss Adventures
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