This is What Cancer Looks Like
By Shauna Zamarripa
Cancer. What can I say about cancer except one thing?
It fucking sucks when
you have it.
Although, sometimes I think the treatment is worse than the
cancer itself.
You start chemo…and despite the plethora of anti-nausea
medication, you want to puke. All the time. Then, you get the mouth sores.
Sores that make you not want to brush your teeth because it hurts so fucking
bad. Sores that make you not want to eat….because chewing is excruciating. So?
You don’t. You try and eat protein shakes and fruit and bread and soup….but it
ALL fucking hurts. Everything. On varying degrees.
But you don’t want to complain.
Because, frankly, you feel like all you EVER want to do is
complain.
This is what cancer looks like.
The chemo wreaks havoc on your once incredibly sharp brain.
You forget things, you can’t keep things straight….you run three notebooks at
the same time, just to TRY to TRY and function as your highest and best self.
You have zero serotonin, you have zero dopamine. So they put you on anti-depressants
and anti-anxiety medication to help you combat that. But? Well….you’re still
hyper sensitive. You don’t know if you want to cry, or scream or yell or go
postal on the world at any given moment. Because your brain isn’t your brain
anymore. Your brain has been overtaken by the throes of chemo-fucking-therapy.
And, as much as you try and will yourself out of it, you can’t some days.
Sometimes, you just want to stand in the middle of nowhere
and yell out into the world,
“WHY FUCKING ME??? AGAIN??? I AM ONLY 35 YEARS
OLD!!!! I WAS JUST GETTING STARTED!!!”
Your lack of drive, your lack of ambition begins to get to
you. It makes you feel as if it’s taking you down this pathway filled with
darkness – and that pathway is full of consorts who keep company with all the ugly,
horrible, wretched things that roam around in the dark. YOU feel dark some days.
Like you don’t even want to get out of bed.
At night….your thoughts get loud. And even though you are
exhausted beyond comprehension….you can’t sleep. That’s when all the “what ifs”
creep in. And those “what ifs?” Those are scary.
This is what cancer looks like.
So you try. You try your best to pick yourself up off of the
bottom of the shower floor because you just want to sit there under the water
and not have to hear the phone ring even one more time that day, to not have to
answer one more text message that day, to not have to answer even one more
message asking you how you feel that day. Because all you want to do is respond
with, “I feel like SHIT every day. It’s just lesser or more degree of shit.”
And it isn’t because you don’t appreciate it. It isn’t because you think they don’t care or are genuinely concerned. You just get TIRED of answering the same fucking questions, over and over again….at nausem.
Then?
Then you put on a happy face, make sure everyone knows you
are okay because all you want to do is TRY to be alone and in silence for five
FUCKING minutes. Because you want to crack jokes like, “Look, you can’t all fit up my ass. There is no room with the tumors.” Because you want to TRY and
feel normal…for just a minute….and you want to let someone feel like you can.
Then, you laugh to yourself for a minute.
Then, you cry.
Then, you want to scream.
But, you really still just crave silence as if it was the
last thing in the world that means the most to you. Because it is.
Because there is no cancer in silence.
There is no explaining or complaining in silence.
Because silence is now your best friend.
And when you want to talk about this fucking demon that is
ripping you apart from the inside out, all you REALLY want to do is talk about
it with people who have it, or who have had it….because they just GET IT.
At least for right now.
This is what cancer looks like.
Small chores like laundry or even going to the grocery store
become exhausting feats of strength. And yes, you have so many people around
you who love you and want to help you, but you are stubborn. And you aren’t
stubborn because you want to push them out or not accept their help. This is a
different type of stubborn altogether. This stubborn is born from the will of
trying to do as much as you can for yourself, by yourself, for as LONG as you
can….because you know that luxury isn’t going to last forever.
Because you feel yourself fading a little. You know you are
getting weaker, despite the rest, despite everything good you are doing in this
totality of a bullshit disease surrounded by the treatment of this bullshit
disease, you understand that you will need to lean on people soon. But you
still don’t want to….because dammit….you have been able to take care of
yourself all your life….and you can’t bear the thought of not being able to.
You get that.
You don’t resent it.
You accept it.
But…
You also just want to fight for a SMALL SLICE of your
dignity, while you can. You don’t want them to see you weak….yet. You fight it
as best you can. You have a few minor episodes with people close to you….and
when you do….you see the fear and panic in their eyes. And seeing that KILLS
you even more than the cancer does. So? You protect them from that as long as
you can. Because you have to. And also, because you have to protect yourself.
Because even while they give you the words you need, the eyes are the window to
the soul….and you can see that fear when you fall and can’t breath….when you
need to take a break going up the stairs. You see it. They can’t hide it. And
from that, you make a decision to do everything in your power to not make them
see that ever again, for as long as you can….because their eyes are more
painful than the cancer….or the treatment….even when they don’t mean for them
to be.
Because that is the only thing that makes sense in your
chemo riddled brain.
This is what cancer looks like.
And cancer doesn’t look pretty. Cancer doesn’t have botox or
hair extensions or wear makeup. Cancer doesn’t get plastic surgery or try to
enhance itself to make it appear more attractive. Cancer is cancer. And it’s
ugly because of what it is.
Because it’s fucking cancer.
Cancer is harsh, raw, unfiltered and horrible. But, here’s
the thing, the treatment is worse. And if you don’t think every cancer patient
alive has considered not undergoing the treatments in favor of letting cancer
take them, you’d be dead wrong….because treatment is hell.
So, if you know cancer. If you have seen what it looks like….remember
these feelings I tried my best to share with you today. And when you see it,
don’t look at it with panic in your eyes. Cancer won’t take those you love.
Most times, it’s the treatment that will.
And if it doesn’t….if cancer and this hellish treatment both
fail to take those you love…..you never let them go. Because God doesn’t often
give angels to you a second time. He'd much rather take them home...where they belong.
Much Love,
Miss Adventures
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