One, Two...PUNCH
By: Miss Adventures
I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be a perfect human
being. In fact, most of my life has been a series of tragedies that led to
another series of tragedies. As I look back, it’s difficult to not find it all
depressing. I doubt I am much different than you in that regard.
I was born. I got hurt. I got raped. I got jaded. I got
pregnant as a teenager. I worked my ass off to just survive. I got married way
too young. I got beat up. I got beat down. I climbed up. I got disappointed. I
rose. I fell. I succeeded. I failed. I was lied to. I lied. I got beat down
some more. I had an abortion. I nearly died several times in as many years. I
tried suicide. It didn’t take. I was disappointed by that. I powered through. I
fell again. I rose again. I lost it all. I got it all back. I fell again. I
lost everything again. I got it all back again. I fell out of love. I fell in
love. I hurt. I bled. I cried. I screamed. I waved my fists in the air. I
nearly died due to smoke inhalation. I lost my hair, my eyelashes, my pride and
my resolve. I gave up….again. I quit. I fell out of love. I fell in it again. I
struggled. I grasped at straws and I wanted to give up. Until I found a reason
not to….or rather, three reasons not to. I got better. I found it all. I lost
it all again. I loved. I hated. I reeled. I lost myself. I found myself. I had
it together. Then I didn’t have it together. I started gaining again and then?
Cancer. Again. For the second time. Just a lot worse this time. So? I wanted to
quit. Again.
In the totality of my life, sometimes I just sit back and
say, “Well, isn’t that just a bucket full of wonderful wrapped in a ribbon made
of dog shit?”
So if you think I sit alone many nights and wonder if I will
ever catch a fucking break, you’d be right.
If you think I don’t sit and have conversations with God
about how angry I am at him, you’d be wrong.
If you think I don’t trust people because I’m just a mean
old bitch, you’d only be partially right.
If you think I put out
into the Universe what I do to brag or to appear as if I have some sort of God
complex, you never really got the message to begin with.
And, in all honesty, I don’t care if you do or if you don’t.
I’m not here to compare grief-stricken resumes. I have no interest in a “pain
off”. We are all only given what we can handle.
I have endured things that would level some people. I also
haven’t had it half as bad as other people. My storm is my own to weather, just
as yours is your own to do the same.
Thing is, I realized today, in a bucket full of tears and
muffled sobs spilt over a single, sweet, completely unexpected act of kindness;
the sweetest most lovely gesture that came from someone I love to the moon and
back that I never would have expected (or ask for) especially after we haven’t
even spoken for months on end that maybe, just maybe all that shit is supposed
to have a silver lining.
Maybe it isn’t. Truth is, I don’t really know. Beauty of it
is that I’m not supposed to know either.
Neither are you.
I think sometimes we just have to let go and let God,
because just as no one else is supposed to know the storms you are asked to
walk through, the thing is, sometimes we don’t even know the storm we are asked
to walk through ourselves….unless we just let go, because the harder we hold on
to the mast head, the more likely we are to sink on the ship we should have
jumped off of ages ago. Because that ship had a lot of fucking holes in it to
begin with.
For all I do know, and for all I don’t, there is one thing I
DO believe: Giving up is NEVER an option. Ever. No matter what. Get back to
basics, get creative, cry, do whatever the hell you need to do to get to that MOMENT
where you decide that giving up just isn’t an option and then do that
whatever-it-is that keeps you from throwing in the towel, from claiming
surrender and get back in that ring, get up and serve up the biggest, hardest,
largest fuck you punch to life you can give it. You knock that bitch on her
knees. You remind her that you are one BAD bitch. Because you aren’t done yet.
Not by a long shot. And, neither am I.
From one person who doesn’t know it all to a million others,
Miss Adventures
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