It’s December 28, 2015. It’s 2:06 in the fucking morning and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep for a myriad of reasons, but probably the most poignant is that this is the last post I will make on this blog the way that it is today. As of January 1, 2016, all of this, all 250+ posts will be left behind on a nameless subdomain that no one will ever find unless they look for it; unless they know it’s there.

Why?

The “why” of this is intrinsically and undeniably mine…and mine alone, but there is a why. I guess it’s my way of saying goodbye to something and someone who was five years under construction. It’s my way of taking the butterfly from a cocoon.

It’s transcendence.

In a way, it’s sad. In another way, it’s affirming. It’s the affirmation of evolution that all souls, all people have to go through if they are going to get from a proverbial point A to a proverbial point B. It’s the letting go of one part of a story, a closing of one chapter to allow space to build something else; something (hopefully) better. A new dawn to pen a new destiny.

It’s a farewell to past. A hello to the future. A recognition that I came to realize a lot of things in five years; a homage to knowing when to let some things go. A homage to a past I wasn’t always proud of; an acknowledgement of growth.

When I started Miss Adventures five years ago, I had no plan, no clue, no idea where I wanted to take her. I had no master plot, nor scheme of what I wanted this particular blog of mine to become. It was, for better or worse, nothing more than an online diary that allowed me to pen my perceptions. Some of those were spot on; others were not. Which is what category is only mine to decide, but still….it was mine. It was something I built, something I cherished…something that is hard to say goodbye to, even if my goodbye is merely an au revior.

No matter how you slice it, letting five years of things go, in an effort to rebuild, restructure and revamp isn’t easy.

Then again, I never have been a fan of things that are easy.

I have done good. I have done bad. I have done well. I have done evil. I have done things I am proud of. I have done things I am not proud of. I have had friends. I have had enemies. I have had fans. I have had sycophants. I have had haters. I have had it all. And I wouldn’t change a god damn thing.

I have been things and done things that I am proud of that I will never admit to, nor brag about.

I have been things and done things I am not proud of that I will never publically acknowledge.

I have made many successes. I have made just as many (if not more) failures.

I have never been, nor will I ever be, perfect. I wish I was. Hell, I would love to be, but I’m just not.

I haven’t had an easy life, but who has? I have struggled with abusing alcohol and pills and people. I have hit some very dark points in my life. I have done many, many things I wish I could take back, there are a million things I have done that I can never fix. All I can do is one thing, and one thing alone: try to do better.

So? My relaunch of Miss Adventures as of January 1, 2016 is an effort to do just that: better.

I know better now, so I need to DO better.

My name is Shauna, and I was an alcoholic. I abused alcohol to hide and subdue my pain for many, many years. I did things, under the influence of alcohol that I am not (to this day proud of), I heard stories of things I did under the influence that I am not at all proud of (because it’s not who I am) that I do not, to this day, remember. I read things I wrote that I didn’t mean, because they were amplified by alcohol abuse. I said and did hurtful and mean things that I can never take back. I blogged when I was under the influence. I used social media as a weapon, instead of a tool. And I want to fix it.

I am incredibly fortunate that I was never arrested for a DUI. I should have been a million times. There were countless times I got behind the wheel that I had no business driving. I am thankful in each one I didn’t hurt myself or someone else – because I could have.

Of all these things I am not proud.

For all these things, I am sorry.

More ashamed and sorry than you will ever, ever know.

And for all of these reasons, and several others, I want to clean slate my blog, what I created, on purpose. I will leave all old Miss Adventures posts up, I won’t delete a single one, because they are part of this journey, it’s part of who I am as a person, a writer and a professional. But I won’t allow a new beginning without acknowledging my own faults, my own ending and my own new beginning.

Because what type of person would I be if I didn’t acknowledge it all?

So, I am.

This is honestly the most difficult thing I have ever had to write. Yet, necessary.

There is just as much good in the old Miss Adventures as there was bad. I haven’t decided which outweighs the other yet, but both exist. So I leave it, but I start something new. Because everyone deserves a second chance. For the first time in my life, I’m giving myself that same luxury.

Goodbye old. Hello new.

It all started in October of 2014. First, my friend Nikii was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer. Then, a friend’s mother from elementary school with pancreatic cancer. Another friend Gary, had been fighting for years, and another, Henry for about two years or so.

In February, I was diagnosed into my own brand of hell. My own cancer.

Volleys of attacks came shortly after that, from assholes. Assholes who didn’t see my kids during my diagnosis. Assholes who didn’t see them after. Assholes who didn’t watch me crouching at the toilet after starting chemotherapy. Assholes who didn’t see anything much further than the span of the end of their own noses. Assholes who didn’t see me fall into a heap, crying after knowing how bad it was. Assholes who weren’t there for breathing treatments. Assholes who didn’t go through radiation trials with me. Assholes who didn’t see how my hair thinned and began to fall out. Assholes who didn’t see the pain I was in. Assholes who didn’t (and don’t) know how much I hurt day in and day out.

Assholes who weren’t there when I coughed up so much blood onto my pillow that I spent two days in the hospital. Assholes who were so quick to accuse, but too far away to see.

Assholes who never should have been close to begin with.

People who I promised myself long ago I’d stay far away from, for my own reasons. People who made me tired and cynical and hateful of most of what was left of mankind.

Just. Assholes.

Assholes tend to do that, don’t they?

But let me tell you what the cure-all is for assholes. It’s cancer. Cancer makes you not give a shit about said assholes, or how they are doing or what they are doing or where or when or how. Cancer just makes you want peace. Peace of mind above all. So you let go of the childish, petty bullshit, you unblock them, you show everyone everything in your life because you just don’t care….because all you want in the time you have left is peace….for yourself.

Their peace is their business.

Because the one asshole you have to look at in the mirror everyday is the one you care most about having peace, and you know the only way to give that particular asshole (you) peace is to let go of the wrongs done, the wrongs you have done and just forgive without apology, and sometimes forgive yourself without having given an apology, either.

So? You out grace all the motherfuckers. You just let it all go. Because it doesn’t matter to you anymore. And if it matters to them, that’s their problem.

As I sit here at the end of a year of having known people with cancer, of knowing how much (or little) time I have left, struggling with the notion of giving up versus not giving up, I can say that three of the four of those people I mentioned have passed on while fighting this stupid, horrible, awful, disgusting disease, many after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars and going hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt to fight it.

As have I.

And I don’t’ know what’s next.

And I don’t want support or to reinvite people from my past into my life again.

Ever.

And I don’t know what tomorrow holds.

What I do know is that the message is more important than the messenger.

What I do know is that sharing things like this is my message.

Cancer is a 95.5 billion dollar industry. It’s a cash cow for big pharma. And there really is a struggle for cancer patients…in being poisoned with the internal Clorox of chemotherapy and having to chase that with the poison of radiation. There are cocktails of drugs given to cancer patients…one drug given to offset the next, over and over again. And what do we do? We hope. We pray. We fight. We donate. We wait for that next clinical trial.

But we all die anyway.

Morbid? Sure.

Also truthful.

If it isn’t the cancer that kills us, it’s life in general.

When it comes to battles, life remains undefeated in knockout punches – when it comes to death, anyway.

So? Cancer or not.

Live.

Live in such a way that you just don’t care about petty, stupid bullshit.

Live in such a way that you can be proud of the life you left behind.

No bullshit.

No regrets.

I might hate fucking cancer, but I do love part of the ride until now, and I fully intend to enjoy the fuck out of the ride I have left – however long (or short) it might be.

Hate cancer.

Love that it reminds you that we don’t all live forever.
Because it makes you want to make the most out of today.

Xoxoxox,

Miss Adventures

It was 10:37 am on a sunny Tuesday San Antonio morning. I had once again found myself wandering far outside of my preferred nouveau riche hood, wandering aimlessly in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the middle of the south side of this city that I have come to absolutely loathe over the 14 years I have lived in it, desperately searching for a Starbucks, while waiting my next required ‘face to face’ meeting.

Good Christ why can’t people in this backwards berg get the fact that we live in the 21st fucking century? Why is understanding simple technology something I get so much unnecessary pushback on?

As I plugged in the search into my GPS to find the closest crackhouse-o-caffine to me, my trusty smartphone didn’t let me down. Although, I couldn’t help but know and remember how many people I have encountered over my 14 year stint in this city full of willfully ignorant who can’t even figure that simple shit out...which annoyed me even more.

Although, when I reached my destination, my mecca of mocha, I could do little more than let out a sarcastic plated gaffaw. The fucking building was PINK.

And I don’t mean in the cheesy island sense of the word that could be somewhat charming if it was in the middle of the Bahamas pink, I mean like a Pepto Bismol bottle threw up on it and called it home sort of pink.

But in the name of all things Pumpkin Spice, I powered through.

I drug my tired bones out of my car, went inside and began my moment in time on the observation deck of life. That’s what we writers do, you know….we watch the rest of you; so we can decide whether or not you are interesting enough to immortalize in the written word.

Sadly, no one was that day.Just like so many days before that day that felt as if they were set on a level of “Ground Hog Day” repeat. On yet another day of “blah” in the most backwards thinking city in the free world, I am sure. A day just like a million others spent in the 14 years, in this sleepy little bass-ackwards berg that has been plagued with small time, small thinking, backwards business that has literally set my teeth on edge since arriving here in late 2001.

And there I sat, in the midst of a pink Starbucks, full of backwards thinking people, listening (okay, eavesdropping) to more small time small talk and legitimately useless conversation that I began to ponder exactly where the fuck my life went wrong to land me here, right now?

The answer was clear. I settled.

Once upon a time, I was in the midst of fast paced, fast forward Yankee thinking. Even when I was in a hopelessly backward one horse section of upstate New York, people still wanted to be on the cutting edge of whatever cut the edges of the time.

And then there was San Antonio.

The slowness, the stifling laissez faire attitude of people in this city was something I once thought I could adapt to, perhaps even embrace.

I was dead wrong.

Try as I might, for over 14 years, I still can’t shake the fact that I settled here...and I hate it. Every second of it, in fact.

When your mind is larger, your dreams bigger than your confined physical realm, it can be absolutely suffocating. It IS absolutely suffocating.

So, you sit there, in the middle of a pink Starbucks and you wonder where exactly where your life went wrong.

And the answer is clear. You settled.

You, somewhere along the way, lost your much-ness. And now, you have to fight to get it back. Because without your much-ness, you’re not much of anything at all.

Of course, your pink Starbucks could be damn near anything. It could be a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, a local eatery...it could be literally anywhere that makes you wonder when exactly settling in your life became the norm instead of who you really wanted to be before the world fucked that up for you; that moment you realize that you tucked your tail in between your legs and just gave up on everything you really wanted in favor of what made sense at the time; and why you did it.

Then?

It’s that moment in a proverbial pink Starbucks that you stare straight into the face of your pink elephant: The moment you gave up.

And then? You get mad. You get REALLY mad. Because if you’re mad enough, you’ll be passionate enough to fix it.

Passion fixes things.

It just...does.

And lack of it allows things to wither and die.

Or worse….settle.

Where was YOUR pink Starbucks? And what are you going to do about it?

5 Things On Love

By: Miss Adventures

I’ve been reflecting quite a bit recently on the concept of love, of what it is, and what it should be….and even what it isn’t. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I do believe there are a few rules when it comes to love and relationships that apply to it all.

And here they are:

Rule #1: Courage

I think that, in love, you have to have an insane amount of courage. I think you have to have courage to speak up, know when to stay silent and have the courage to protect your relationship above all things, other people, primarily.

Rule #2: Passion

In love, I think there is passion. Not a ‘love ya’ type of passion, but a sort of burning, flaming desire to be with that one person and only with that one person. I think that love is supposed to be that…passionate and fiery, and if it isn’t, it’s probably not love at all.

Rule #3: Forgiveness

I heard it put beautifully once, “She asked for my forgiveness, and I gave it, but what she didn’t know was that when I decided to love her, I decided already to forgive her for all that she had done, or all that she would ever do.” Granted, providing it isn’t something egregious, I think that’s probably the best way I have ever heard it put. I think that love gives us an immense capacity to forgive.

Rule #4: Protection

With love, I believe there is a certain amount of protection that is healthy from a partner. I think that, in love, someone should always have your back. Always. No exceptions. I think that when you love someone you protect them from harm, and they, in return, do the same.

Rule #5: Team mates v. Adversaries

I’m still learning this one. You can’t be a team if you consistently treat one another as adversaries. I think that, in love, you should be a team, and approach life as such. If you don’t, if you can’t, that’s not really love at all.

Above all, I believe that love isn’t complicated. People are.

What did I miss? Weigh in using the comments below.

Why I Write Love Letters…To Myself

By: Miss Adventures

Before you jump on the oh-shit-what-a-narcissitic-bitch-bandwagon, I suggest you read on.

There is no one on this Earth better equipped to love you for all your good, your bad, your ups, your downs, your flaws and imperfections than what you already are.

On Tuesday of this week, I decided that, in order to improve my sour mood, that I would schedule a series of emails to myself. And no matter how ugly it got in my head throughout the week, I found myself looking forward to these little love notes from me.

For example, first thing one morning, I received the note I had written to myself the night prior:

GOOD MORNING!!!! It’s a new day. Smile bright, be you and know you can get everything you need to do done! Put on some motivational music, take frequent breaks and BREATHE. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

Then, at 3pm when I knew I would hit my traditional lull, I received another:

Afternoon lull? I bet you are hitting your afternoon lull right now. You’re losing motivation and feeling overwhelmed. STOP IT! YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU WILL DO THIS AND YOU WILL DO IT WELL. NEVER forget that you are smart, capable and worthy. Ever.

Then, at 6pm, before dinnertime, I got:

Put on some nice music, enjoy making dinner spend some time with Briaunna and remember YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE LOVED. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. NOW, when you’re done, go ahead and check the mail, deposit those checks and pay the bills that you’ve been putting off. Getting that off your plate will make you feel better and like you got a lot accomplished today. Then? Go write something. That makes you happy, so do more of THAT. Your happy is IN you, not out there.

Here’s the funny thing. I actually began looking FORWARD to my little love notes from myself every day. If I found myself getting into an ugly place in my head, I heard a voice in my head say, “It’s okay, right around 3pm, you’re going to get exactly what you need, exactly when you need it, so you can push through until then.”

Sure, it’d be NICE if someone else sent me love notes or little reminders like that. It would be nice if I did that for other people too (I might, by the way), but knowing these little notes were coming, that I could rely on them, and that they were exactly what I needed to hear (because I know me better than anyone else does) really helped to keep me going throughout the day.

It might sound crazy, it might even sound insane, but most things do….until you try them and realize they work.

What’s even crazier is that by doing this for myself first, I realized that doing the same thing for other people could be just as powerful, helpful and spread a little joy too. Thing is, like most other things I do, I had to do it on my own, for me, before I realized how well it worked.

Go ahead. Write three emails and schedule them to come in at different times during your day tomorrow….and see what happens. Then? Let me know if writing love notes to yourself helped YOU as much as it has helped me. And, if you want a part in a series of daily emails from us, drop your email in the comments section below.

7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship

DECEMBER 9, 2013

JORDAN GRAY

Men and women are at an emotional stalemate.

We feel something’s lacking in our relationships. The majority of men aren’t able to penetrate their women fully, nor are women fully opening to their men.

Women aren’t opening because men aren’t giving them what they need. Women feel disappointed and resentful; they are suffering. When women suffer, and they feel like they aren’t being seen, they close off to their men.

Fortunately, you can learn the right tools to be able to more fully penetrate your woman. You can give your partner what she needs, allowing her to feel seen so that she will open again.

Take the time to read through these needs. Let them sink in. Understanding what you can do to help your partner fully open will not only improve your relationship, but it will improve your entire life.

Here are the seven things that all women want in a relationship.

1. To Feel Loved

When women feel loved, they relax and open to us. The arguments dissipate, the sex is abundant, and their nurturing feminine energy flows throughout our lives.

Not feeling loved is the subtext of every argument that you and your partner have.

If she is unhappy that you are going out with your friends, or she’s upset about her day at work, or she is only responding to you with brief snippets of sentences, then the cause is most likely her not feeling loved enough.

Learn to see through her words, actions, and moods and see what the real root of it is.

2. To Feel Safe

There is a war being waged on women’s self-esteem, sexuality, and safety from a very young age.

Because of the barrage of disempowering messages being sent to women regarding their sexuality, women need to have a safe space where they feel that they can trust their partners.

She wants to trust your strength. She wants to feel like you can handle whatever she shows you.

She wants to feel like you will not judge her if she asks for something risqué. She wants to know you won’t collapse in defeat if she tells you to do it “This way” instead.

By creating a safe space for your woman to open up to you emotionally and sexually, you will be giving her a very powerful gift- you allow her to grow within your relationship and undo old emotional damage.

3. To Feel Seen

Women want to feel seen.

She wants to feel you hearing her, and being aware of her emotional state.

She doesn’t necessarily want you to be affected by her emotional state, but she does want you to be witness to it.

If she is sitting across the room from you and you aren’t picking up on the fact that she is suffering emotionally and on the verge of tears, she will begin to trust you less. She will think, “If he can’t see that I am hurting now, how long will it take him to figure it out? Will I be suffering for days or weeks before he is aware of it or cares enough to help me through this? I guess I have to rely on myself for my own emotional support.”

Life can seem extremely lonely, even within a relationship. You have to constantly show your partner that at least one person will be witness to her and her journey through life. (Hint: that person is you.)

4. To Be Allowed To Be Nurturing

Just as masculine energy has the need to protect, feminine energy has the desire to nurture.

Women want to see the cracks in our armour. They want to see that we trust them enough to open up to them. They want to be able to help us through our sadness.

An integrated, evolved man who has a balanced masculine energy as well as his own sliver of feminine would welcome his woman’s nurturing.

If you are a guy reading this, have you ever held open a door for a woman because it’s the polite thing to do (but more just because she’s a person and it wasn’t even a gender-based act) and she chews your ear off for it? “Oh what? I can’t open the door for myself because I’m a woman?! You sexist pig!”

That is an example of a wounded, unbalanced woman who doesn’t want to accept help from a masculine source. This is exactly how it feels to your partner when you push her away when you feel the most vulnerable. “I don’t need to lay my head down on your chest and tell you about my feelings because I don’t have any!” That is a lie. It’s a lie that serves your purpose of not letting your partner in. This lack of vulnerability and authenticity is what is making you and your partner suffer.

So let her in. She wants to love you.

5. To Feel Sexually Desired

What’s a major difference between your relationship to your partner and your relationship to everyone else in your life? You have sex with your partner.

Women need to feel sexually desired. They want to make sure that you see and appreciate them as a feminine, sexual being.

Praise her body. Feel her and grab her appreciatively. Remind her that you see her as a sexual being and you will both benefit.

6. To Be Appreciated

The feminine in all people responds primarily to praise and appreciation.

Remind your partner that you love her. Tell her that you appreciate what she brings to your life. Show her how much she means to you.

The fastest way to run your relationship into the ground is by ignoring your partner and taking her for granted. Appreciation is the opposite of those things. Appreciation is the embodying this mindset: “I am aware of what you bring to my life, and I want you to be sure that I am aware of it as well.”

So tell her what you appreciate, and tell her often.

7. To Feel Like She Can Count On You

Life gets pretty messy sometimes.

When life’s unavoidable difficulties arise, do you fall apart under pressure or are you able to bend and not break?

Women want to know that we can handle ourselves when life happens. They want to know that we won’t run and hide when they get a bit ‘too emotional’ for our liking. They want to know that they can count on us.

When you tell your partner you’ll do something, and then you don’t do it, it hurts her. She loses a piece of trust in you that has to be earned back. Even seemingly small things break that trust like you saying that you will wash the dishes shortly after dinner, but washing them the next morning instead.

When enough small transgressions like this are sprinkled throughout your relationship, she will distrust you.

Do what you say you will do, be who you say you are, and be consistent in your actions.

What Do Women Want In A Relationship?

Women want partners that care.

Women don’t want perfect partners; they want men who are striving to be their best selves.

She doesn’t necessarily want someone who has every step of his life pre-planned, but she wants someone with drive and with goals.

She doesn’t necessarily want someone who cries every day, but she does want someone who has the courage to cry in front of her when he needs to.

She doesn’t necessarily want someone who stays in therapy for his entire life, but she does want someone who has the courage to face his own emotional demons.

So put in the work. End the stalemate. Decide that you want to be in the kind of relationship that most people don’t have and you want to put in the effort necessary to become that kind of man.

The women of the world are waiting for us. And they want us to step up just as badly as we want them to open up.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

What Exactly Is It That You Need?

By: Miss Adventures

I read a book once about how your heart is like a bank account. People put money in when they say or do nice things, and people extract money when they do or say not-so-nice-things. And pondering on this, got me wondering if my own emotional bank account was overdraft or if it was heavy laden with coin. I wonder what the ledger of your own heart would say if you had to look at it right now?

For everyone we meet has a basic need. Everyone really just wants to be loved.

But how?

While I understand that people give and receive affection differently, isn’t that overt affection the one thing that we all need as human beings? Something to show us that we are loved the way we need to be loved?

I’m not talking about lavish gifts, vacations or diamond rings, I’m talking about the little things everyday that make deposits into our emotional bank account and the other little things that subtract from it.

But does everyone need to be loved in the same way?

I think it far more profound and a far more interesting idea to figure out exactly how we need to be loved, how to love ourselves in that way, and figure out whatever our emotional bank needs in order to feel as though it’s full. Because I think, in this regard, that we are all a little different.

I liken it to shopping for banks. You don’t know where you are going to put your money until you know where you are going to put your money, right? So how can you possibly know how much or how little to invest in your heart, until you have answered the question of what sort (and amount) of love and affection it requires for that heart to be full. I.e. where are you going to put it all?

How much love do you need in order to be happy?

What exactly is it that you need?

Maybe it isn’t always about finding someone else to fill the void of our emotional bank accounts, maybe it’s more about loving ourselves enough to fill it ourselves.

What Happens Next?

By: Miss Adventures

Life is a lot like a story. We have ups and downs, we have success and failures. We have a rich cast of characters that we interact with as we pen our personal novels. And, we are all constantly left with a question of “what happens next?”

What DOES happen next?

I find myself wondering this quite a bit these days. I find myself in silent thought, wondering what the next volley will be, what the next step should be, how to get from one point to another and how to do that with a little bit of grace.

And I find that grace is something I lack these days as well. I honestly wish I had more of it.

So there I was…on a hot, humid Monday afternoon, about 2:30 or so, thinking about the same thing that I imagine we all often do, “What happens next?”

Tired of pacing and running around like a triathlete in my own head, I finally gave up, and I prayed for an answer.

And, as I was sitting on a bench, feeling the heat around me, enveloping me like a warm blanket, I felt a slight breeze rustle up through the trees around me, and even though I still have no clue what happens next, I was finally given a sense of peace, an answer of, “Don’t worry about what happens next, just know that everything is going to be alright.”

Funny thing was, at the exact moment that thought popped into my head, I kept hearing Bob Marley as my background music, “Every little thing, is going to be alright.”

And that might have something to do with the fact that I haven’t eaten in two days, or it might even be a sign that I have finally bored the short bus to the asylum, but in that moment, I found a little peace in that thought…and in the song playing in my head.

I have no idea what happens next, if I’m being honest, in my own novel, or in my story, but I do know that every little thing is going to be alright. And, maybe you’re just like me right now, maybe you don’t know what happens next, or what is supposed to happen next or when or where or why, but maybe you just need to take a knee, pray and have a little faith that everything for you, as well, is going to be alright.

Walking in faith might be hard, taking a leap of faith is even more challenging, but it beats the shit out of staying stuck where you don’t belong.

5 Things I am Guilty of that REALLY Scare the Shit Out Of Me That Should Scare The Shit Out of You Too

By: Miss Adventures

There is nothing like a brief hospital stay to make you evaluate your life. Especially when that hospital stay is a direct result of trying to lay down on a day you are in complete pain, and end up rousing yourself from napdom by having a violent coughing fit that results in a blood soaked pillow. Especially when you are a Stage 4 cancer patient. Let me tell you, that…right there…is enough to scare the shit out of you; to make you feel like the end is inevitably closer than you surmised. Like “right now” kind of close.

If this wouldn't scare you, I don't know what would.

Then again, I am reminded that evil never dies…but I digress.

While this time wasn’t “the end” for my story, the truth is, not a single one of us is guaranteed another day on this planet. We could all be called home at any second, for any reason…or for no “good” reason at all, which got me to thinking (REALLY thinking) about how I have left some things with some people in my life, and how you might have left some things with the people in yours.

I look back on a river flowing with regret about some things in my life. Many of them. Regrets about how I behaved, how I handled certain situations, my hot tempered nature and even my closed off nature. All the same, as much as I would like to sit on the bank of self-loathing, next to an overflowing wellspring full of regrets, I just can’t. Neither can you.

There is no time for that.

As I sat there that night, watching bad TV, scribbling thoughts down on a hospital notepad, I came to the conclusion that we fix what we need to fix, we let go of what we can’t, and that sometimes the best apologies are the ones in letters written to folks we have wronged that we never sent. Some conflicts are not meant to be resolved, some relationships not meant to last the test of time and some things that just don’t belong in our lives as our prime directive.

Still…that wasn’t what scared me. I had made peace with those notions long ago.

What really DID scare the shit out of me was five things in particular…things relevant to those whom I hold near and dear to my heart. And, when I got to thinking about these five things, they really did scare the ever loving snot out of me. Thing is, I don’t think I’m the only one who is guilty of these five sins.

#1: I didn’t say I love you enough

As I lay there, in a morphine induced haze, I don’t remember much, but I do remember looking up at those ugly ceiling tiles, hearing the beeping of my monitors in the background and thinking, “I didn’t say I love you enough, to the people who I love.” And, it’s true, I haven’t. I began thinking about some of my more recent conversations…tough conversations as they were, where I felt like I SHOULD have said it, but I didn’t. I held back. I withheld that simple phrase, as if I was keeping some treasure chest, heaven laden with gold and jewels away from a bloodthirsty pirate, out to do nothing but pillage my emotions. Regardless of what my reasons were at the time, I was wrong for that. I began to think, “If this was the very last conversation I had with this person, would I be satisfied with it?” Truth is, the answer was a very stout, resolute…no.

If everyone in this life has a basic human need to be loved, to receive affection and validation from the people that they love….where do I get off playing God and withholding that when it should be so freely given?

I don’t. Neither do you.

If you recall the last conversation you had with someone you love, is it worthy of being the last conversation you ever had with them? If not, fix that.

#2: I didn’t reach out enough

I am a complete, total and habitual hermit. If you can convince me to wear something other than yoga pants and a pony tail on a daily basis, you are truly a miracle worker. If you can invite me somewhere without me automatically skipping ahead in my brain as to how to get out of it, you’re probably the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself. (Virtual shout out to the fellow hermits in the house.)

I’m that person who commits herself to being a perfectly happy loner, because perfectly happy loners are never disappointed by humanity. Lame excuse, I know, but that’s a rather deeply ingrained seed of what makes me…me; it’s one of my many quirks.

And while I don’t fault myself for my hermit like behavior, I do fault myself for not being there, or reaching out to others when I knew they needed my help, like I could have, like I should have….even virtually. Sick or not, I don’t have a good excuse for that. There is nothing that could have stopped me from sending a text from time to time, an email, a private message just letting someone know I was thinking about them; letting them know I cared….other than the fact that I was being selfish with my time. Other than the fact that somewhere along the way, I forgot how to love myself, so I didn’t feel as if I was much use to anyone else.

Which is still no good excuse…for you….or for me.

#3: I was always “too busy”

This one sort of ties into #2, I suppose. I can’t tell you how many times I have even looked at my own daughter and told her that I was “too busy”. Where were my “too busies” when I was lying in a hospital bed? They simply melted away into a bunch of too busies that never mattered.

I then got to thinking how many times I was too busy…and there were a lot of them. How many times I wasn’t all in, I didn’t give someone my full attention. Where was all of that important too-busy now? Nowhere that made a lick of sense...that's for sure.

I got to thinking about where all of my “too busies” had come from….and while most were birthed out of a bunch of people (for lack of a better phrase) who always wanted slivers of my time for free, time that ended up costing me hours in lost work and productivity, I put such a heavy set of blinders on when it came to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else in my life, I just handed out stock responses of "Sorry I'm busy" like Planned Parenthood hands out condoms at a high school pep rally. No matter how you cut it, I suck for that.

And if you do that, you suck for it too. I mean, if we are being honest and all.

#4: I held on to way too many things I should have let go of

I am notorious for my ability to hold a grudge. Hell, notorious would be putting it lightly. When I am done with someone, they are “dead to me”…never to be heard from or spoken of again. Recently, I was accused of seeing people in only black and white (not skin color, just interior, thanks). I suppose I do this because I also see myself as black and white, and there is no one on this earth harder on me than what I am. I don’t give myself much room for shades of gray, so why should I grant that leniency to anyone else, right? (This ties into the loner thing). Still, regardless of whether a relationship, a friendship or even a mild kinship existed or not, I have no business holding on to grudges that long. Hell, it doesn’t more damage to the interior of my soul than it ever will to someone I loathe, despise and secretly wish would have an accident in a hydrochloric acid factory….anyway.

#5: I spent too much time being angry

The other day, I was floating around the internet reading a bunch of different things. I happened upon a reminder of the stages of grief. I got to thinking about why I was stuck…vehemently…on anger. The answer, in my case, is simple….lack of closure. It’s hard to move past any traumatic experience sans that one little thing, as much as people tell you to do it, as much as people want you to do it, hell….as much as you might want to do it yourself. When the cause of your pain is ongoing, relentless and even somewhat “In your face”, it’s hard to not stay angry…it’s hard to not hold on to that. In my case, myriads of professionals have told me the same thing….they said, “People will tell you that you have to move on and live your life, but that’s a nearly impossible thing to do in your situation.” Which, kind of made me feel better for every well-meaning individual who gave me that self-same (horrible) advice. The advice I got was to work on my sadness, not my anger, but that even then, based on the intricacies of my particular situation, that would be a challenging task for many years to come.

All the same, that rage, internalized in me and wells up from time to time; even completely displaced on folks who don’t/didn’t deserve it. It’s hard to understand, it’s even more difficult to explain….but you are going to have to trust me on this one.

Think of it like being stuck in “Groundhog Day” where you live the same day over and over and over again, not, in your head, but actually in real life. Except your version of Groundhog Day is the most vile day you can think of.

It’s hard to not become bitter and angry and resentful and closed off to the world in that scenario. And, as much as I have tried to fight against it, I find myself sucked back into rage from time to time.

It’s a shitty battle to fight, and one I constantly ask God why he gave to me, nights where God has been the object of my rage, Himself. And, as often as I pray for peace and healing, I seem to only be able to be ready to handle glimpses of that right now, and not the full picture. Which…flat out, completely and totally sucks, but I also believe there is something….at some point, I am going to take out of this, other than some unsuspecting saps teeth.

But as I was laying there, I remembered something I once read, and something I had said just days prior, “Angry is really just sad’s bodyguard.”

How do I fix that about me? I honestly don’t know. There might not ever be a day where that broken piece of me is mended back together. All I do know is that I don’t enjoy being angry, I don’t like it, I hate it, truth be told, but it’s a really high hurdle for me to jump some days to get over that undercurrent of anger and get inside a mental headspace that keeps me out of it.

In fact, I hate my temper SO MUCH now that I tend to avoid confrontation altogether these days, as I know myself well enough to know that once the angry brews, it becomes like a tsunami in no time flat, for seemingly what is no reason to onlookers, but is due to years of living that Groundhog Day moment I spoke of a few moments ago. The really shitty thing about it, is that unless you lived it, you'll never be able to truly understand it...and I have yet to run into a single person who will admit to living it in the same way that I have, for years now.

Still, I do my best to take those feelings of rage and channel them into my work, into my writing, into my company….because that’s the only thing that transforms that anger into something usable and productive. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. And here's the thing, sometimes in life you will succeed too, and sometimes you will fail. The good news is, that's exactly what is supposed to happen.

Regardless, if you are like me, and you’re tired of feeling like you came off of the damaged goods assembly line, here are five simple reminders that might help both you and I start making our ways to the shallow end of the regret river we stare down in our dreams.

Say I love you more. Every day, even.

Reach out to the wounded. Because every kind act you do, helps you heal.

Stop allowing busy living to override intentional living.

Stop holding on to the notion of letting go, and do something to actually let whatever-it-is-that-you-need-to-let-go of…go. Write it down, write a letter to that person that you never send, scream it out at the top of your lungs. Rinse and repeat until it’s gone. Like, gone...gone. For good.

Remember, all anger is born from sadness. Deal with the sadness however you have to, every day if you must, until anger knows he has nothing left to protect. That’s when anger can finally be released.

So…what scares the shit out of you now? Leave a comment below and let’s talk about it! This is a community, not a monologue, so interact…introduce yourselves. Start a conversation!

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