Let me preface this by saying, most people wouldn’t share
this. Many wouldn’t share this sort of thing with family, nor friends. The
reason I do? Well, the reason I do, is because I know there are people out
there like me, there are people out there like you. People who need to hear
this. This is for you.
It was the 15th of December. I wasn’t Christmas
shopping. Hell, I’d been putting that off as long as I could, because the last
thing I wanted to do was acknowledge this blasted holiday. Not that I am a Grinch,
mind you, I have always loved Christmas. I have always gone over and above with
the carols, the tree, the ornaments, the decorating. I was your regular Bree
Van De Camp for 17 years with this shit.
Except for last year. My house was under construction due to
a fire. I quit. I gave up. Nothing was done on schedule. I had no tree, the
dogs had destroyed every ornament and I was in a Percocet coma from my second
degree burns. I just quit. I gave up. We had Christmas elsewhere – at Jon’s
that year. And, even though I cooked, the irony was….the damn dogs ate the
Turkey that day (circa A Christmas Story)….but we still persevered. We had
steaks and great dinner, but it was still hard on me. I felt like a total,
complete and abject failure.
The one thing I looked forward to last year, was that my significant
other planned a vacation for us to New Orleans on December 26 to December 30….one
that was ruined by a couple of freeloading assholes, but that is another story
for another day. At least, then, I had something to look forward to.
This year, I started off okay with the planning; I had every
intention of getting things back on track. After Thanksgiving, I started
looking around for things….until I realized that the one person who I needed to
be here for this holiday, wasn’t…my husband. He couldn’t be. He was deployed.
From there, it all got really, really heavy.
And for the girls and I, it was a rough year already. I lost
some dear friends to death, am losing others to terminal illness, I had seen
and witnessed more pain and turbulence than I cared to. And I never admitted
how much it weighed on me. Until that day….in Wal-Mart of all places.
We had no tree, we had no decorations. I didn’t put lights
outside. I did nothing. I just couldn’t. Sometimes, even the strongest among us
suffer….in silence. Because that is what the strong do. We say nothing. Because…we
can’t. And it’s okay, because no one in my family is feeling the holidays this
year, due to Jon being gone either. We just can’t do it. Therein, leads to the
story of my Wal-Mart melt down.
I went in to get my daughter cat food. Just that. Of all
things.
Naturally, I had to walk past the neatly packaged items
specific to the season. I smelled the traditional Christmas smells, I imbibed
the holiday cheer of nearby patrons and their families, celebrating their
togetherness….and, try as I might, I couldn’t see next year. I couldn’t even
see tomorrow. I was just overwhelmed with a sadness I can’t even express.
I said to myself, “You are NOT going to cry until you leave this place. You hear me? You will NOT cry.”
And….I didn’t. I had forbidden it.
So, as I often do, I sucked it up. I could feel the tears
welling in my eyes. I had to get out of there. I had to get out of there FAST.
I felt it. It was all coming to the surface. I grabbed the cat food, I
scrambled to the self-checkout, I put my cash in, I got my receipt and I was
out of there.
And still, as I was leaving, more happy families were in my
wake. I couldn’t turn and not see one, or another. I was surrounded. I couldn’t
fucking breathe.
My eyes were welling faster now. My sense of urgency to get
the hell out of there was expanded by 20 times the normal limit.
I ran past the greeter, bidding him good day, knowing I was
on the verge of losing it. I scrambled to my car, unlocked the door, put the
cat food in my passenger seat and sobbed for 20 minutes…in a Wal-Mart parking
lot.
Because I had to.
Because there was nowhere else I could do it.
Because my kids didn’t need to see it, and no one else
needed to know.
Because sometimes, you get so overwhelmed with emotions, you
just have to feel them….where ever you are standing….even if you are sitting in
a parking lot at Wal-Mart.
Because sometimes, it all catches up to you.
And that’s okay.
That moment, changed everything. I looked to my left. There
was a mother freaking out on her kid. Sobbing in the same parking lot. To my
right, an old man, loading his trunk, wiping tears from his eyes. To my front,
a lady who just couldn’t move. She was stagnant, looking at her steering wheel;
lost in thought; not wanting to move.
There is no right or wrong answer here, there is no handbook
for this life. We all make it up as we go along. But here is the thing, you don’t
have to feel like a freak, if you are the one person having a meltdown in a
Wal-Mart parking lot. Because, you’re not the only one. I promise.
This holiday, remember those who are struggling, even if
they don’t tell you so. And remember that people can be struggling in silence.
Show as much compassion as you can. We all need it.
Much love,
Miss Adventures
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