I was having a chat with a friend of mine one day. We were discussing how so many women we knew had all landed a man to “take care of them” so they “didn’t have to work”, and while that is all well and good – in a traditional, antiquated 1950’s value proposition sort of way – we also noticed that these self-same people were….for lack of a better word….bitches.
Now, let me expand on this concept for a moment.
Essentially, there are three types of bitches in the world:
The Trophy Bitch
The Arm Candy Bitch
The Self-Made Bitch
And don’t worry, we are going to explore each one in a little more (albeit in edaciously snarky) detail.
The Trophy Bitch
Also known as the Anna Nicole. You are the one who waltzes down the block, hunting for the weakest, oldest, most morally bankrupt and lonely man possible. Why? Because that’s the asshole with the most money, that’s why – well that, and you can pretty much bet his Rolex that you will
Trophy bitches are manipulative. You will obtain thousands of dollars in plastic surgery – usually funded by some weak ass man – knowing that you can get away with it. Because you are pretty. Even if only in the most surgical of senses.
You are beautiful creatures who can play dumb at the drop of a hat, but you aren’t necessarily stupid…save for one tiny detail.
One day, he is going to die. One day, you are too. All the plastic surgery, makeup, designer clothes and fancy purses won’t be able to hide an ugly heart. You might enjoy the throes of trophy bitchdom now, but one of these days, you’re going to be old and alone. Really alone – and probably broke because you spend money like water. Because you are so truly awful that not even a stray dog nor feline would keep your company in your golden years, or even your last few moments.
The lesson? You might enjoy the “riches” of life right now, but you’ll live out your years emotionally bankrupt.
The Arm Candy Bitch
These busty dullards are the same bimbos posting nothing but bikini or underwear selfies whilst, at the camera, sporting the-ever-so-atrocious look known as “duck face”, all the while shooting deuces at all their Instagram followers -- yes, I went there. (How many selfies does one need in order to feel validated as a human being, by the way?)
You’d like to be a trophy bitch one day. That’s your biggest goal and aspiration in life. After all, much like the trophy bitch, you too, will have someone else pick up the tab for your oodles upon oodles of plastic surgery and Boxtox injections.
However, you aren’t as smart as the trophy bitch, so your days of enjoying being financed by the latest in the parade of 31 flavors of men will always leave you passed up for…you guessed it…the trophy bitch.
You rely far too much on your looks, and don’t do anything to expand your knowledge or horizons above and beyond the latest shoe sale at Saks or the latest fashion advice in Vogue.
And, like your wicked counterpart, the trophy bitch, the same fate awaits you. It just awaits you much sooner.
The Self-Made Bitch
You? Well, you are one bad bitch. You drink your bourbon on the rocks, no mixers. You can smoke a cigar. You can handle yourself on the golf course. You’re not girly. You really could give a rat’s happy ass about the latest “Naked” pallet at Ulta. You’re practical. You know exactly what you need to do to infiltrate – and own – the boy’s club that is the world of business. Nothing (and no one) gets in your way, and nothing ever will. You don’t need plastic surgery. You need a good workout. That makes you happy. A hike in the mountains with your faithful canine is the equivalent to a day at the spa for these other bitches. You will kickbox your way into the top ranks of magazines like Entrepreneur. And you will own the world.
You take no shit.
You need no man.
However, you’re a little different than the other two species of bitches in this article. Unlike them, you have a softer side. A side that yearns for a companion, a partner, but not a trough of money from which you can leech throughout your dying days.
That makes you, Ms. Self-Made Bitch, a rare and wonderful breed.
A breed that we should teach all of our daughters to live up to. Because you will enjoy riches in this life and the next. Because you’ll never step on anyone to get ahead, you’ll never hurt anyone intentionally. You keep your head down, stay in your lane and focus on the end goal: success, even if you have to earn it all by yourself.
You’ll leave something behind in this world that you can be proud of, a legacy, a dream, an aspiration that people can reach for. And you will die as a role model for other women; something for everyone to live up to.
You? You’re who I always wanted to be when I grew up.
You’re who I became.
So thank you, self-made bitches before me, for lighting the way, for showing me how, and for giving me a prime example of the sort of bitch to live up to that I always aspired to be.
If you know “bitches” like this, share this post and tag them. Appreciate the great women in your life. Build them up. Become them. Know better, do better.
Much Love,
Miss Adventures
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